For you and I

Dear friend,

We both know that you and I can never give enough thanks or repay even close to a drop of water in the ocean to all the mercy of Allah. I cannot even express enough to what His mercy have done upon our past, present and future. But if only I could give this feeling of thankfulness and love and fear out of love and hope for betterment of Allah, to you, so that you will also want to love Him more as much as you and I can. And So that you and I would yearn for His love and mercy.

Why do you and I only seek Allah wholeheartedly when things go wrong? When what we planned didn't go the way we want? When we only strive for goodness only for ourselves while He did everything for us and not for Himself? Why can't we just give in and let go of the things that take us away from getting near Him? Why can't we start with Him?

I want to regret. Regret for all those little seconds that I did not spend upon the path of my Lord.
I want to punish. Punish myself for all those energy wasted not to fight for the love of Him, a battle so much worth fighting for.
I want to go back. Go back in time to make up for all the lost that I've done for throwing away what He gave me out of His mercy.

But I know, despite for all the regrets, punishments, and corrections. Allah will still forgive us for He is Al-Ghaffur (the most forgiving)

So I'm standing here without any purpose but to ask Allah to forgive you and I for the good things and for the bad things if you and I didn't give thanks enough through our words and actions. And to let other friends of us taste the sweetness of His mercy because I have no idea why would you and I want to disobey Him if only you and I knew the magnitude of His love and mercy and for all the things that He did, do or will do to you and I.

I'm not here to act pious, but I want you and I to at least be an inch closer to Him so that you and I can taste the sweetness of Iman which I can never make you understand nor comprehend unless you experience.
I'm not here to make you feel bad or threaten but I dont want you and I to lose this treasure, this power of Iman which can get us through thick and thins, rise and fall anything the world has to offer,
If only you and I knew the degree of Allah's love to us.

So, can we start over our intentions for Him, with Him?

"None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself." (Hadith)

Dependencies and Failure

When I was in my university life, failure was too regular. I could go as far as to say its a semesterly routine. I didnt literally fail any subjects, but I was ranked within the last quarter of my class. Yes, I did my study. Yes, I learned how others did it. But semester after semester, I have became too  'accustomed' in trying and it came to a point where I couldn't connect the dots; I had lost hope. But then I realized.

There was a good lesson in failing. This applies to most pursuit: career, academics, love, hope and fear. The thing is, maybe I worry too much that I might not get what I want (nevertheless it may not be what I need). Thus, I learned this virtue that maybe I have to care less. Care less about failing. Why do I have to be too occupied on the notion of failing such that I have forgotten the feeling of success. And to care less is to stop doubting the pursuit of success.

On another note, when you tried so hard to succeed and you didn't get what you want, unexpected circumstances would be hurtful isn't it? Because you declared a hope and the answer gave no hope. But it all comes down to who's your dependency, who did you rely your hope on, what drives you?

Failure may give you countless repetition of feeling down and it yearns for you to just give up. But what makes the difference is how many times you get up and give it another shot.

Its the same thing with repentance to Allah. Nobody is going to escape without committing a sin. Nobody is going to be the all-perfect, all rounded maksum. But hey, what counts is how many times we look up to God and say, "Oh Allah, would you forgive me again this time?". And when you submit, submit fully. Like any other worldly failure, you will have that feeling "I don't want to but I'm afraid I might fail again in the future". After all, we're insan. But you try. And you try hard. Because success comes by finding the meaning of failure. And that is why we reflect (muhasabah).

Failure is part of the process of becoming. You will be having a bad day but its not a bad life. And hey I'm not saying that we expect failure to come and we dont aim for that but if it does comes knocking on our door, have the right maturity to step up and handle this visitor. Because we know for sure these things come for a visit only for a short while.

And if you fail, know that Allah is greater (Allahuakbar). And whatever your obstacles that you may perceived as too much to handle,  Allah is greater. And when you have Allah, you have everything, right?

One day, when we are able to connect the dots, we'll know that wasn't failure. That was just what we needed.

Live to express. Not to impress.

Last week, I came across something interesting upon reading a book. The passage provides a rather insightful idea. "Live your life to express, and don't live to prove to others".

Which stems down to the root of being a humankind. We could say we do things because of genetical reasons or environmental surroundings which influence our decisions to do what we do. But if you think hard. You do things because its just your fikrah. Because everybody has their own 'nature' of thinking. And at the end of the day, you come up out of your bed and you'd say you do this or that because "I'm just being myself".

Then what does making decisions that fits your fikrah has got anything to do with expressing yourself rather than proving yourself?

Because you simply cannot do things that you don't like just because you want to prove a point. Even if the drive to prove the point is tantamountly huge. You want to ask yourself if its what you love to do and willing to do it for the rest of your life. Because sometimes, no matter how hard you try to do something, if it doesnt fit your "fikrah" (and you know this but keep being in denial), just to prove yourself that you are just that good enough, then you will not get whatever you're trying to gain.

My point is we have our own way of thinking.  And then we have the guidelines (Quran, Hadith, Scholars) on how to live and decide on things. Now try this. Stop following what people tell you to do in life just because its what they want. Or don't quit on things you love because people say its too hard. If you just do or don't do things because others went through it and then you feel a sense of reassurance, then know that life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Thats where you discover your talent. That's where you discover what does it mean to have courage.

Don't stop expressing your ideas, creativity, meaningful efforts, and so on. And stop trying to prove to others. It's pointless trying to work your butt off to please the people. Because people will never be pleased.

And then theres effort.
Thats where capability comes in.

Unless if its God. Because if its God, then, Sami`nā Wa 'Aţa`nā.

And maybe I'm not making any sense.

Would You Marry Yourself?

This is my take on marriage.

After observations, calculations and many data collections, I have come into a rather temporal conclusion about the hottest topic on the planet especially for youth: If you want to marry someone, you have to start with yourself first. Yourself is the single biggest thing that might determine the longlastingness or the effectiveness of a marriage.

I myself am not married but using basic logic, knowledge of the deen and understanding of human fitrah, I can only say that if you don't want to marry yourself, then you don't want to be married just yet. This is because the rule of thumb of success is that: At the end of the day, you have your own self standing in the way or giving the go ahead. Still, I do believe there is no such perfection such that you have to wait until you are on the highest level of 'goodness' and then you shall get married is of course not the way to go. But you get my point.

Previously, I seem to 'idolize' the fact that marriage starts with the partner. Yes, I never deny that the partner plays an important role of a success of a marriage. But before you get that 'yes' or 'no', you have to understand that this really revolves around you, and then her (or him) . Is there anything you need to do that you may not have the chance to do after marriage? Do that first. Don't get too carried away by the fact that you might miss the opportunity or this is the girl/guy of your 'dream'. Yes, it is hard to rationalize things when the matter involves emotional-attachments. Your heart might echoed loudly: "This might be The one bro!" or "Do something quick or you're done man!". But realize that it is better to take a time to think than to rush for things that you are going to spend for the rest of your life.

The last thing you want to do is to fall in love for the wrong reasons. As the prophet has said in the famous hadith: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust (may you enjoy welfare)." As I only have full understanding of the language of Men, I must say that most men (not all) values beauty of a women highly. Looks can kill. Especially good looks. Men does not need nurturing process to love a woman for the looks. But for the heart or the religion? That's a whole new different ball game. I'm not saying it is wrong to fall in love for the beauty of a women, but we all know that's not going to guarantee the marriage is a success. You want to love a person for their religion. As Imam Ahmad once said: "It is upon the man, if he wishes to marry that he asks about the beauty of the women, and the she impressed him then he asks about her religion. If it impresses him then he should accept her and if she doesn't impresses him he should reject her (Therefore, your acceptance and rejection was based upon religion and not beauty)". As much as it is hard to put this into an emotional context of our heart, but we all know the fact that this is the truth.

So what is a successful marriage? The term 'success' in this context might be interpreted differently based on different religious background, race, or age. Upon my lack of knowledge and the neverending tarbiyyah process to nurture my non-perfect deen and heart, I have to say that successful marriage is a companionship that results in getting closer to god and to produce children that can benefit the ummah in anyway possible. There are always different versions of the definition but it comes back to the same thing, to love God. And so, I believe it is very important for any person to really really really recheck their state of heart: Do I love God? Because if I don't love the creator, how can I expect to love the creation? And to love for the rest of your life? Man that's huge.

And why am I writing this again? Oh God.

Disclaimer: This is based on my shallow knowledge and it might be correct or incorrect but I tried my best to ensure it goes inline with what I have been taught accordingly by my religion of Islam. This might not be an absolute opinion and Allah knows best. Also, this is directed to myself first and then others as I am full of imperfections.

Why Did I Do it In The First Place?

In every chapter of my life, whether it involve decisions or actions, there is always a core purpose on why do I wanted to do it. And whatever that 'it' is, it is always only a means towards an end, an end which is to please God. I tend to ask myself every time I lost that enthusiasm of doing what I'm doing. Why am I doing this?

A quick example would be the decision to enter a top school. I could have chosen an easy life. But I thought about it long. I wanted to be realistic. I wanted to be different. I wanted that terrible, busy life. I wanted to suffer for success. I wanted to test my limits. But at the end of the day, I just wanted to be a great individual that got nothing to lose. I wanted that self-accomplishment feeling.

But as I fight for the things that are worth fighting for, I would find myself falling, and I would pick myself up, and the cycle goes on. And then, I would start to doubt the means. I would plant these seeds of uncertainties. Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to do all this just for this? And the answer would go back to that single most important question - Why did I do it in the first place?

Human forgets. That is just our fitrah. We do things and we forget as time passes by. And that enthusiasm that we had in chasing our goals is not always going to be at its highest peak as the journey flies. That is when I need to do some reflection. I would usually take a moment before sleep to just ponder what have I done today and is it good enough to get what I want and to resolves the notion that I am doing this for God.

And 'This' thing that I'm doing could be anything. Pursuit of educational success, career-wise, love, or anything but at the end of the day I just wanted to do it for God. I just had the feeling that if I couldn't do it for God, then I couldn't do it for myself. And if He is pleased, then I am pleased. And that is good enough for me.