Would You Marry Yourself?

This is my take on marriage.

After observations, calculations and many data collections, I have come into a rather temporal conclusion about the hottest topic on the planet especially for youth: If you want to marry someone, you have to start with yourself first. Yourself is the single biggest thing that might determine the longlastingness or the effectiveness of a marriage.

I myself am not married but using basic logic, knowledge of the deen and understanding of human fitrah, I can only say that if you don't want to marry yourself, then you don't want to be married just yet. This is because the rule of thumb of success is that: At the end of the day, you have your own self standing in the way or giving the go ahead. Still, I do believe there is no such perfection such that you have to wait until you are on the highest level of 'goodness' and then you shall get married is of course not the way to go. But you get my point.

Previously, I seem to 'idolize' the fact that marriage starts with the partner. Yes, I never deny that the partner plays an important role of a success of a marriage. But before you get that 'yes' or 'no', you have to understand that this really revolves around you, and then her (or him) . Is there anything you need to do that you may not have the chance to do after marriage? Do that first. Don't get too carried away by the fact that you might miss the opportunity or this is the girl/guy of your 'dream'. Yes, it is hard to rationalize things when the matter involves emotional-attachments. Your heart might echoed loudly: "This might be The one bro!" or "Do something quick or you're done man!". But realize that it is better to take a time to think than to rush for things that you are going to spend for the rest of your life.

The last thing you want to do is to fall in love for the wrong reasons. As the prophet has said in the famous hadith: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust (may you enjoy welfare)." As I only have full understanding of the language of Men, I must say that most men (not all) values beauty of a women highly. Looks can kill. Especially good looks. Men does not need nurturing process to love a woman for the looks. But for the heart or the religion? That's a whole new different ball game. I'm not saying it is wrong to fall in love for the beauty of a women, but we all know that's not going to guarantee the marriage is a success. You want to love a person for their religion. As Imam Ahmad once said: "It is upon the man, if he wishes to marry that he asks about the beauty of the women, and the she impressed him then he asks about her religion. If it impresses him then he should accept her and if she doesn't impresses him he should reject her (Therefore, your acceptance and rejection was based upon religion and not beauty)". As much as it is hard to put this into an emotional context of our heart, but we all know the fact that this is the truth.

So what is a successful marriage? The term 'success' in this context might be interpreted differently based on different religious background, race, or age. Upon my lack of knowledge and the neverending tarbiyyah process to nurture my non-perfect deen and heart, I have to say that successful marriage is a companionship that results in getting closer to god and to produce children that can benefit the ummah in anyway possible. There are always different versions of the definition but it comes back to the same thing, to love God. And so, I believe it is very important for any person to really really really recheck their state of heart: Do I love God? Because if I don't love the creator, how can I expect to love the creation? And to love for the rest of your life? Man that's huge.

And why am I writing this again? Oh God.

Disclaimer: This is based on my shallow knowledge and it might be correct or incorrect but I tried my best to ensure it goes inline with what I have been taught accordingly by my religion of Islam. This might not be an absolute opinion and Allah knows best. Also, this is directed to myself first and then others as I am full of imperfections.

Why Did I Do it In The First Place?

In every chapter of my life, whether it involve decisions or actions, there is always a core purpose on why do I wanted to do it. And whatever that 'it' is, it is always only a means towards an end, an end which is to please God. I tend to ask myself every time I lost that enthusiasm of doing what I'm doing. Why am I doing this?

A quick example would be the decision to enter a top school. I could have chosen an easy life. But I thought about it long. I wanted to be realistic. I wanted to be different. I wanted that terrible, busy life. I wanted to suffer for success. I wanted to test my limits. But at the end of the day, I just wanted to be a great individual that got nothing to lose. I wanted that self-accomplishment feeling.

But as I fight for the things that are worth fighting for, I would find myself falling, and I would pick myself up, and the cycle goes on. And then, I would start to doubt the means. I would plant these seeds of uncertainties. Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to do all this just for this? And the answer would go back to that single most important question - Why did I do it in the first place?

Human forgets. That is just our fitrah. We do things and we forget as time passes by. And that enthusiasm that we had in chasing our goals is not always going to be at its highest peak as the journey flies. That is when I need to do some reflection. I would usually take a moment before sleep to just ponder what have I done today and is it good enough to get what I want and to resolves the notion that I am doing this for God.

And 'This' thing that I'm doing could be anything. Pursuit of educational success, career-wise, love, or anything but at the end of the day I just wanted to do it for God. I just had the feeling that if I couldn't do it for God, then I couldn't do it for myself. And if He is pleased, then I am pleased. And that is good enough for me.