This is my take on marriage.
After observations, calculations and many data collections, I have come into a rather temporal conclusion about the hottest topic on the planet especially for youth: If you want to marry someone, you have to start with yourself first. Yourself is the single biggest thing that might determine the longlastingness or the effectiveness of a marriage.
I myself am not married but using basic logic, knowledge of the deen and understanding of human fitrah, I can only say that if you don't want to marry yourself, then you don't want to be married just yet. This is because the rule of thumb of success is that: At the end of the day, you have your own self standing in the way or giving the go ahead. Still, I do believe there is no such perfection such that you have to wait until you are on the highest level of 'goodness' and then you shall get married is of course not the way to go. But you get my point.
Previously, I seem to 'idolize' the fact that marriage starts with the partner. Yes, I never deny that the partner plays an important role of a success of a marriage. But before you get that 'yes' or 'no', you have to understand that this really revolves around you, and then her (or him) . Is there anything you need to do that you may not have the chance to do after marriage? Do that first. Don't get too carried away by the fact that you might miss the opportunity or this is the girl/guy of your 'dream'. Yes, it is hard to rationalize things when the matter involves emotional-attachments. Your heart might echoed loudly: "This might be The one bro!" or "Do something quick or you're done man!". But realize that it is better to take a time to think than to rush for things that you are going to spend for the rest of your life.
The last thing you want to do is to fall in love for the wrong reasons. As the prophet has said in the famous hadith: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust (may you enjoy welfare)." As I only have full understanding of the language of Men, I must say that most men (not all) values beauty of a women highly. Looks can kill. Especially good looks. Men does not need nurturing process to love a woman for the looks. But for the heart or the religion? That's a whole new different ball game. I'm not saying it is wrong to fall in love for the beauty of a women, but we all know that's not going to guarantee the marriage is a success. You want to love a person for their religion. As Imam Ahmad once said: "It is upon the man, if he wishes to marry that he asks about the beauty of the women, and the she impressed him then he asks about her religion. If it impresses him then he should accept her and if she doesn't impresses him he should reject her (Therefore, your acceptance and rejection was based upon religion and not beauty)". As much as it is hard to put this into an emotional context of our heart, but we all know the fact that this is the truth.
So what is a successful marriage? The term 'success' in this context might be interpreted differently based on different religious background, race, or age. Upon my lack of knowledge and the neverending tarbiyyah process to nurture my non-perfect deen and heart, I have to say that successful marriage is a companionship that results in getting closer to god and to produce children that can benefit the ummah in anyway possible. There are always different versions of the definition but it comes back to the same thing, to love God. And so, I believe it is very important for any person to really really really recheck their state of heart: Do I love God? Because if I don't love the creator, how can I expect to love the creation? And to love for the rest of your life? Man that's huge.
And why am I writing this again? Oh God.
Disclaimer: This is based on my shallow knowledge and it might be correct or incorrect but I tried my best to ensure it goes inline with what I have been taught accordingly by my religion of Islam. This might not be an absolute opinion and Allah knows best. Also, this is directed to myself first and then others as I am full of imperfections.
Why Did I Do it In The First Place?
In every chapter of my life, whether it involve decisions or actions, there is always a core purpose on why do I wanted to do it. And whatever that 'it' is, it is always only a means towards an end, an end which is to please God. I tend to ask myself every time I lost that enthusiasm of doing what I'm doing. Why am I doing this?
A quick example would be the decision to enter a top school. I could have chosen an easy life. But I thought about it long. I wanted to be realistic. I wanted to be different. I wanted that terrible, busy life. I wanted to suffer for success. I wanted to test my limits. But at the end of the day, I just wanted to be a great individual that got nothing to lose. I wanted that self-accomplishment feeling.
But as I fight for the things that are worth fighting for, I would find myself falling, and I would pick myself up, and the cycle goes on. And then, I would start to doubt the means. I would plant these seeds of uncertainties. Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to do all this just for this? And the answer would go back to that single most important question - Why did I do it in the first place?
Human forgets. That is just our fitrah. We do things and we forget as time passes by. And that enthusiasm that we had in chasing our goals is not always going to be at its highest peak as the journey flies. That is when I need to do some reflection. I would usually take a moment before sleep to just ponder what have I done today and is it good enough to get what I want and to resolves the notion that I am doing this for God.
And 'This' thing that I'm doing could be anything. Pursuit of educational success, career-wise, love, or anything but at the end of the day I just wanted to do it for God. I just had the feeling that if I couldn't do it for God, then I couldn't do it for myself. And if He is pleased, then I am pleased. And that is good enough for me.
A quick example would be the decision to enter a top school. I could have chosen an easy life. But I thought about it long. I wanted to be realistic. I wanted to be different. I wanted that terrible, busy life. I wanted to suffer for success. I wanted to test my limits. But at the end of the day, I just wanted to be a great individual that got nothing to lose. I wanted that self-accomplishment feeling.
But as I fight for the things that are worth fighting for, I would find myself falling, and I would pick myself up, and the cycle goes on. And then, I would start to doubt the means. I would plant these seeds of uncertainties. Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to do all this just for this? And the answer would go back to that single most important question - Why did I do it in the first place?
Human forgets. That is just our fitrah. We do things and we forget as time passes by. And that enthusiasm that we had in chasing our goals is not always going to be at its highest peak as the journey flies. That is when I need to do some reflection. I would usually take a moment before sleep to just ponder what have I done today and is it good enough to get what I want and to resolves the notion that I am doing this for God.
And 'This' thing that I'm doing could be anything. Pursuit of educational success, career-wise, love, or anything but at the end of the day I just wanted to do it for God. I just had the feeling that if I couldn't do it for God, then I couldn't do it for myself. And if He is pleased, then I am pleased. And that is good enough for me.
How far can you go?
I ran 14 laps yesterday, the usual number. Approaching the last lap, I decided to push for another 2 laps. After those 2 laps, I decided to push for another 2 laps. Again and again until I reached 21 laps. I sat and I thought of it. The cliché was to keep running until you can see what's there for you over the horizon. The thing about hardship is to push for that extra laps and just imagine of the opportunities that you will find upon reaching the end line, or I would rather say the fictitious end line, because it was never there in the first place, its just something that we hope to get us going. The thing is, how far can you go and how bad do you want it. I want many things but I need validity why am I doing it. God it feels great to actually put effort on something and to get something out of it. But it feels better to actually love what you're doing
Right now, I have no idea what I want to do. But I clearly have this degree thing and I still want to see how far can I go with this thing called engineering. Weird thing is I have no clue if I'll love doing what I'll be doing.
Ever heard of the infamous Stanford's marshmallow experiment? A child was shown a marshmallow and was allowed to eat it. The second option was to wait for some time and be rewarded for another marshmallow. It was a longitudinal study and results indicated that children that wait long enough to get the second marshmallow actually succeed on their adults life in terms of academic achievements.
I think the key is to not be jailed with the current state of emotion. Emotion drives people to do weird things, irrational things. And then there's patience. Well I think I'm gonna wait long enough to see if I can get the second marshmallow. I'm not gonna stop now but I'll wait long enough to decide if this is gonna be worth it. And if not, I guess I'll have to make a leap of faith. May Allah help me to find barakah and passion in what I want to do or discover!
p/s: I don't know why but I just had this mindset that passion and career is like love at first sight. Or maybe not.
Right now, I have no idea what I want to do. But I clearly have this degree thing and I still want to see how far can I go with this thing called engineering. Weird thing is I have no clue if I'll love doing what I'll be doing.
Ever heard of the infamous Stanford's marshmallow experiment? A child was shown a marshmallow and was allowed to eat it. The second option was to wait for some time and be rewarded for another marshmallow. It was a longitudinal study and results indicated that children that wait long enough to get the second marshmallow actually succeed on their adults life in terms of academic achievements.
I think the key is to not be jailed with the current state of emotion. Emotion drives people to do weird things, irrational things. And then there's patience. Well I think I'm gonna wait long enough to see if I can get the second marshmallow. I'm not gonna stop now but I'll wait long enough to decide if this is gonna be worth it. And if not, I guess I'll have to make a leap of faith. May Allah help me to find barakah and passion in what I want to do or discover!
p/s: I don't know why but I just had this mindset that passion and career is like love at first sight. Or maybe not.
Desire
Maybe the nafs is not designed for this world and all that is in it. Maybe it was designed for something greater. Maybe that's why the wealthiest person in this world never felt satisfied with whatever the world has to offer. Maybe Allah has created the nafs for the afterlife after all.
Wallahualam
ABL: Always Be Learning
I think I can somehow make a temporal conclusion on this one thing that had repetitively came across in my life. Heedlessness: it kills my soul. This happens in a very much cyclical process every year - if I have no clear goals, I will succumb to the pleasure of comfort zone in which I will turn into a species called 'lewa'. I believe, this lewa thing has a very concrete connection with heedlessness. I will not care about whatever was my ultimate goal in life, I will not give a damn about what's gonna happen, I will put everything at the very last minute and I will have the laziness of a sloth or probably worst.
Usually, it happens when I did not prepare for my forthcoming situations of being in a state of no pressure, which is obviously post-exam situation. I have no assignments, no exams, no study or in a better frame of mind, I have no pressure. Your momentum is like dominos, if you routinely push yourself to work hard to achieve result, you will have no problem to work hard on anything whether its brainpushing assignments or crazyshit workouts - until that very last piece of domino topples over. And so, my undergrad life ends in 2 weeks and by that time, the last piece of domino will topple over. Thus, my mission is prepare for the ever continuation of that last domino piece: to do a five year plan in order to gain momentum to keep on going if I ever wanted to be that 1% of the world population that can make at least a slight change for the betterment of the future.
Key things to figure out after exams:
1. Create subgoals that leads to the ultimate goal
2. Create strategies that can help in achieving the subgoals, in which the ultimate goal can be achieved
3. Find weaknesses that can be a drawback for self-improvements
4. Identify strengths that can be utilized to its full capacity
Life is a process of Always Be Learning. A lot of people celebrate the end of undergrads because they don't have to do all those allnighters or exam crammings - and of course I do feel the same way. Its such a pain in the ass. But this pain in the ass is gonna be worth it. wehoo
Usually, it happens when I did not prepare for my forthcoming situations of being in a state of no pressure, which is obviously post-exam situation. I have no assignments, no exams, no study or in a better frame of mind, I have no pressure. Your momentum is like dominos, if you routinely push yourself to work hard to achieve result, you will have no problem to work hard on anything whether its brainpushing assignments or crazyshit workouts - until that very last piece of domino topples over. And so, my undergrad life ends in 2 weeks and by that time, the last piece of domino will topple over. Thus, my mission is prepare for the ever continuation of that last domino piece: to do a five year plan in order to gain momentum to keep on going if I ever wanted to be that 1% of the world population that can make at least a slight change for the betterment of the future.
Key things to figure out after exams:
1. Create subgoals that leads to the ultimate goal
2. Create strategies that can help in achieving the subgoals, in which the ultimate goal can be achieved
3. Find weaknesses that can be a drawback for self-improvements
4. Identify strengths that can be utilized to its full capacity
Life is a process of Always Be Learning. A lot of people celebrate the end of undergrads because they don't have to do all those allnighters or exam crammings - and of course I do feel the same way. Its such a pain in the ass. But this pain in the ass is gonna be worth it. wehoo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)