Why Did I Do it In The First Place?

In every chapter of my life, whether it involve decisions or actions, there is always a core purpose on why do I wanted to do it. And whatever that 'it' is, it is always only a means towards an end, an end which is to please God. I tend to ask myself every time I lost that enthusiasm of doing what I'm doing. Why am I doing this?

A quick example would be the decision to enter a top school. I could have chosen an easy life. But I thought about it long. I wanted to be realistic. I wanted to be different. I wanted that terrible, busy life. I wanted to suffer for success. I wanted to test my limits. But at the end of the day, I just wanted to be a great individual that got nothing to lose. I wanted that self-accomplishment feeling.

But as I fight for the things that are worth fighting for, I would find myself falling, and I would pick myself up, and the cycle goes on. And then, I would start to doubt the means. I would plant these seeds of uncertainties. Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to do all this just for this? And the answer would go back to that single most important question - Why did I do it in the first place?

Human forgets. That is just our fitrah. We do things and we forget as time passes by. And that enthusiasm that we had in chasing our goals is not always going to be at its highest peak as the journey flies. That is when I need to do some reflection. I would usually take a moment before sleep to just ponder what have I done today and is it good enough to get what I want and to resolves the notion that I am doing this for God.

And 'This' thing that I'm doing could be anything. Pursuit of educational success, career-wise, love, or anything but at the end of the day I just wanted to do it for God. I just had the feeling that if I couldn't do it for God, then I couldn't do it for myself. And if He is pleased, then I am pleased. And that is good enough for me.