This Entry was supposed to be posted 2-3 weeks ago but my heart refused from letting me click the "Publish Post" button. I don't know why.
Sepanjang hari ni aku macam, hmm taktau lah. macam orang desperate pun ada, macam orang dah letih pun ada. Desperate sangat nak buat itu nak buat ini tapi thoughts weren't spewed into actions. I don't know why lah. It seems that I've been through a phase of downunder. Well, theoretically memang semua orang ada ups and downs dalam life diorang tapi Oh God. Come on lah. Aku macam dah letih. Nak cakap macam give up pun ada. Penat lah mencuba dan mencuba tapi tak result apa-apa. Mungkin ke aku ni berkira sangat dengan kehidupan. Pantang ada effort yang buat, mesti nak good results. Tapi takpe lah, memang niat aku macam tu setiap kali aku buat. Okay okay of course everything that we do is for the sake of Allah but at the end of the day, we would just look forward on the horizon. The results is what matters. Kalau tak dapat, terima. Terima, terima, terima dan bersyukur. Ah, aku macam dah penat. Bukan aku dah penat bersyukur, Nauzubillah. Tapi aku dah penat buat gila gila belajar tapi aku tak dapat apa yang aku aim. Tadi petang aku jalan kaki balik rumah, and something came into my mind "nanti macam ni je lah aku sampai grad. cuba cuba tak dapat. ah". Aku kadang-kadang terfikir. Macam mane ye aku boleh go thru all those penat lelah belajar from middle school, high school tapi lepas dah masuk menara gading yang sangat awesome, aku barai macam tu je. What on earth. Aku terfikir, aku dah sampai limit state aku ke? Is that all? Am I just not that good enough. Aku tengah nak vomit semua bisikan syaitan yang cakap aku sucks big time and tak boleh compete dengan budak-budak pandai kelas aku but hey, I'm no angel I can't fight evil forces without sacrificing my egos and blinding thoughts which made me think that I was right all along but I'm not.
Aku taktau lah what is next. I'm a person with too many goals and aims dan kadang-kadang aku rasa aku aim terlalu tinggi sampai, the first stair step that I built is as high as the Burj Khalifa. And I can't even get past that first step of a thousand stair steps. Aku rasa aku dalam state of emergence. A state of fighting against my alter egos. Aku terfikir jugak apa pemikiran aku ni tak real ke. Salah ke aku role-modelize kan people macam Rasulullah, Michael Jordan, Saladin, Al-Fateh. These people failed alot and they just got up and gave another try. I mean, too much. I know I can always try to be something. I can try to be me but I'm just not exactly sure if being myself means its good enough. Again, am I good enough or was I just in a dreamy state of desire to be good? Ah kalut.
3 comments:
ko nye work effort dasyat lo dari dulu, dah nak habis petrol ke? hahaha, lek2 dulu.. main dota dulu. shisha 2-3 tong dulu.. pastu baru sambung blk.. ko bijak kot dota, mmg sahla ko layak duduk setara dikalangan org2 bijak pandai :)
jgn rendah diri sgt, be moderate.. rehat2 tenang2kan minda.. sesungguhnye minda yang tenang itu datang dari hati yang tenang.. jgnla down2 sgt.. ko down, aku pun nk down.. duk blaja negeri orang ni, baru aku rase pendek nye aku ni..hahaha
firstly, this theme rocks. can i also have it.
anyway, i'm also having the same crisis. it's like try3 pastu keep facing the same result. ie not really good.
you have to ask these questions i guess:
did you do it right?
are there any significant mistakes that you made along the effort towards success that you're after?
do you have the correct intention?
mistakes cud be in ur way of study, in ur behaviour towards ur lecturer either in front or behind, in ur behaviour towards Allah, and so on.
in the end, Allah wants to show us that we have to rely to no one but Him.
if you are in a crisis, and u still hold on to the values, that means ur still good.
i think you should find Rasulullah's prayer masa dia kat Thaif, di tengah2 kebun anggur, dalam keadaan berdarah2. sgt kena kot dgn ur situation skrg. actually our situation.
found it.
“Tuhanku kepada Dikau ku mengadu hal keletihan tenagaku, kekurangan helahku, kehinaanku di hadapan manusia, wahai Maha Penyayang Lagi Kasihan belas. Dikaulah Tuhan golongan lemah dan dhaif. Dikaulah Tuhanku, kepada siapa lagi yang hendak ku menyerah? Apakah kepada orang yang jauh membenci daku ? atau kepada seteru yang telah Kau beri kuasa mengatasi daku? Kiranya tiada kemarahan Kau ke atasku, tidaklah kupeduli, namun afiat dariMu lebih luas bagiku, ku berlindung dengan cahayaMu. Dikaulah yang menerangi kegelapan, dengannya urusan di dunia dan di akhirat menjadi baik, aku berlindung denganMu dari terturunnya ke atasku kemurkaanMu, atau terturun kemarahanMu, bagi kau jua tempat kembalinya hingga tercapai keredhaanMu, tiada daya dan upaya kecuali denganMu Ya Tuhan.”
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