Here i am, thinking and drifting my thoughts on a cloudy night thinking upon the coming days and the year that my undergrad days shall be over. Currently, i can't get my head over the fact that after graduation, if I'd ever decided to indulge myself in the world of working class men (but of an engineer instead of laborer, if that's how human civilization puts it as an icing of separation on which level should one levels of work has to be bestowed upon), this would have to be the start of 'kitaran robot'. Every single day, 9am to 6pm, plus another 1 hour of driving back and forth, I would crunch my body and motivate my mind (motivate is a generic term of a word that has an inclination towards a positive significance of life, but this, i don't know) to go to this place called work. Yes, work. Then, night comes when you have no energy left to do anything else rather than eat your dinner and watch some shows on tv which could be so life-threatening for those muscles that were active back in the gym days. And to make it worse, the cycle would last for 5 days a week, as I would seek to find friday as if it is hari raya eve where happiness blooms within my mind without any utter reasons - its not like i'm going to do anything super on the weekends after all and it only lasts for 2 freaking days. Weekends are for celebrating the escapade of those 5 days of making yourself, shaping your mind and creating a physical body of a robot. Some may blame this as the nature of our civilization in today's world where people shove their asses to make some cash while the upper class collects money from the people of the bottom as if workers were slaves and CEOs were the kings and queens. As a matter of fact, that is the form of monarchy of today's corporate world maybe and people wouldn't see it that way as monarchy is so 1800s. or 1700s. or whatever. So, I was asking myself these few days back when I thought too deep (as always) on the notion of having to work. Its not that I despise the people of these 'kings and queens' of the corporate worlds, nor do I have some sort of hatred towards the feeling of having to work 9am to 6pm a day because i do believe in the essence of self-efficacy and that is: if one work hard on a matter, one should attain the goals of a matter. And in this context, you work, you get salary. In fact, this is how the economy works as a system - individuals work hard to benefit not just on individual levels but also on the communal level. So then people would say, "hey its for the greater good".
I honestly don't have anything against the notion of kitaran robot (or corporations or whatever I wrote above). Its just that, imagining myself within the situation is enough to make me vomit on it. The depiction of it is so boring and somehow, I felt that it is insignificant in my quest of changing the world. Or maybe I am too fickle because there's this time once I had the idea that if someone wanted to go up, they should start from the very bottom and persevere throughout the so called 'quest'. And to start from the bottom is to do this 'kitaran robot'. So this idea is not so bad after all. I think most of the negative connotations that my mind had towards the kitaran robot is simply because of what I had seen a junior civil engineer can only do so much: paperwork, site visit, paperwork, site visit, paperwork (and meetings). I sounded like a total jerk do I. Or rather an ungrateful total jerk. So, with these things on my mind, I am torn apart (again) with the idea if this is ever a good first step towards building a legacy or kitaran robot simply sucks (and it is also inevitable) and its better to think of something greater than this. Or, am I just freaking out of the fact that my undergrad days are numbered? Maybe.
p/s: A wise friend once said that it is better (or easier, I guess) to do many small changes rather than one big change.
Reality Check
First up, sorry for the 7-months hiatus. I wasn't exactly sure why. Is it because I'm not bothered at all to jot down something on the blog, or am I too hesitant in every draft I made. But, whatever.
Here's some of whats been goin' on for the past 6 months:
1. I was (or maybe still am somewhere inside) a person with quizzical minds. I question things too much, especially on things that I don't have or owned. Be thankful is not about accepting average decisions, or taking in on-par values. Its about cherishing what you have and go for even better things that you can achieve. I may have lacked this in some parts of my mind (or heart).
2. There was once a time back in January where I have lost faith in myself. I literally believed that it is impossible to succeed (academically) in my course. It is an inevitable state of mind. I couldn't care more or less. I just don't want to think. I was pragmatic. It wasn't the first time that I tried so hard and I failed. But hey, I guess bad things happen for a reason. I was stuck in between believing whether it was myself that's not good enough, or it is God's will. It was a turnover from the second that I made myself sure, I chose God.
3. Laziness is a disease. And that leads to procrastination. It had attempted to kill almost everything I had, I need or I want to have in life. God, put me away from this thing. It's kind of a funny thing, but procrastination is a cyclical process. I have been trying on and off to put it away and one conclusion that i can say; It all comes down to my Amal. Its weird, but the closer I am to God, the more I'm conscious of what I'm doing, and the more I stay away from procrastination. Cheers!
4. 4th Year is the year. I'll rule the world.
Here's some of whats been goin' on for the past 6 months:
1. I was (or maybe still am somewhere inside) a person with quizzical minds. I question things too much, especially on things that I don't have or owned. Be thankful is not about accepting average decisions, or taking in on-par values. Its about cherishing what you have and go for even better things that you can achieve. I may have lacked this in some parts of my mind (or heart).
2. There was once a time back in January where I have lost faith in myself. I literally believed that it is impossible to succeed (academically) in my course. It is an inevitable state of mind. I couldn't care more or less. I just don't want to think. I was pragmatic. It wasn't the first time that I tried so hard and I failed. But hey, I guess bad things happen for a reason. I was stuck in between believing whether it was myself that's not good enough, or it is God's will. It was a turnover from the second that I made myself sure, I chose God.
3. Laziness is a disease. And that leads to procrastination. It had attempted to kill almost everything I had, I need or I want to have in life. God, put me away from this thing. It's kind of a funny thing, but procrastination is a cyclical process. I have been trying on and off to put it away and one conclusion that i can say; It all comes down to my Amal. Its weird, but the closer I am to God, the more I'm conscious of what I'm doing, and the more I stay away from procrastination. Cheers!
4. 4th Year is the year. I'll rule the world.
Allah! Forgive Me!
I'm so blind
I mean. Why didn't I foreseen this?
I should have known.
The world is so twisted with hypocritical words
Spread like swarm of bees with magnitudes of an earthquake
I surrender to you Lord but I'm so afraid if I'll be surrendered by the world
when ignorance eat my heart out and people keep asking me things
I'm not here to please people. I'm here to please God
So please! help me out man
I can't get out of this world alone
Ride along with me for the journey to Jannah
The world is just a game made by God
To test our credibility and yet are we qualify enough to meet Him.
Heaven has a huge price.
I'm not sure I can pay with my money in my pocket
Oh and my cash book has a bad ending
But all I have is my tiny whiny good deeds
So, I'm here. Prostrating to you. Pondering. Wondering. Thinking. Imploring. I need your mercy Allah!
"Oh people, repent to Allah, for indeed, I repent to Allah 100 times every day"
[Muslim : 2702]
Ibn Mas'ud narrated that the Prophet said:p/s: has nothing to do with my academic nor personal problem. I'm fine. Just that I need to be aware I'm living in a state where challenges and tests are gonna get me
“Indeed, Allah is more happy with the repentance of His slave than a man who stops in a barren, desolate land; with him he has his riding animal. He then goes to sleep. When he wakes up, [he realizes that] his mount is gone. He searches for it until he is on the verge of dying. He then says, ‘I will return to the place wherein I lost it, and I will die there.’ He went to that place, and he was then overcome by sleep. When he woke up, his mount was [standing] right beside his head: on it was his food, his drink, his provisions, and the things he neded. Allah is more happy with the repentance of his believing slave than the aforementioned man when he finds his mount and his provisions.”
[al-Bukhaari: 6308 ; Muslim: 2744]
mencari diri sendiri (konflik dalaman oh!)
"Buat yg termampu Acap. jika kita tak dapat apa yg kita mahu, bukan bererti kita gagal. Org yg gagal ialah org yg tak sedar ia gagal dan tak mengaku ia gagal. Jika kita sedar dan berusaha membaikinya maknanya kita org yg berjaya." - A Rahman Safar, 2011
entri hati ke hati #4
This Entry was supposed to be posted 2-3 weeks ago but my heart refused from letting me click the "Publish Post" button. I don't know why.
Sepanjang hari ni aku macam, hmm taktau lah. macam orang desperate pun ada, macam orang dah letih pun ada. Desperate sangat nak buat itu nak buat ini tapi thoughts weren't spewed into actions. I don't know why lah. It seems that I've been through a phase of downunder. Well, theoretically memang semua orang ada ups and downs dalam life diorang tapi Oh God. Come on lah. Aku macam dah letih. Nak cakap macam give up pun ada. Penat lah mencuba dan mencuba tapi tak result apa-apa. Mungkin ke aku ni berkira sangat dengan kehidupan. Pantang ada effort yang buat, mesti nak good results. Tapi takpe lah, memang niat aku macam tu setiap kali aku buat. Okay okay of course everything that we do is for the sake of Allah but at the end of the day, we would just look forward on the horizon. The results is what matters. Kalau tak dapat, terima. Terima, terima, terima dan bersyukur. Ah, aku macam dah penat. Bukan aku dah penat bersyukur, Nauzubillah. Tapi aku dah penat buat gila gila belajar tapi aku tak dapat apa yang aku aim. Tadi petang aku jalan kaki balik rumah, and something came into my mind "nanti macam ni je lah aku sampai grad. cuba cuba tak dapat. ah". Aku kadang-kadang terfikir. Macam mane ye aku boleh go thru all those penat lelah belajar from middle school, high school tapi lepas dah masuk menara gading yang sangat awesome, aku barai macam tu je. What on earth. Aku terfikir, aku dah sampai limit state aku ke? Is that all? Am I just not that good enough. Aku tengah nak vomit semua bisikan syaitan yang cakap aku sucks big time and tak boleh compete dengan budak-budak pandai kelas aku but hey, I'm no angel I can't fight evil forces without sacrificing my egos and blinding thoughts which made me think that I was right all along but I'm not.
Aku taktau lah what is next. I'm a person with too many goals and aims dan kadang-kadang aku rasa aku aim terlalu tinggi sampai, the first stair step that I built is as high as the Burj Khalifa. And I can't even get past that first step of a thousand stair steps. Aku rasa aku dalam state of emergence. A state of fighting against my alter egos. Aku terfikir jugak apa pemikiran aku ni tak real ke. Salah ke aku role-modelize kan people macam Rasulullah, Michael Jordan, Saladin, Al-Fateh. These people failed alot and they just got up and gave another try. I mean, too much. I know I can always try to be something. I can try to be me but I'm just not exactly sure if being myself means its good enough. Again, am I good enough or was I just in a dreamy state of desire to be good? Ah kalut.
Sepanjang hari ni aku macam, hmm taktau lah. macam orang desperate pun ada, macam orang dah letih pun ada. Desperate sangat nak buat itu nak buat ini tapi thoughts weren't spewed into actions. I don't know why lah. It seems that I've been through a phase of downunder. Well, theoretically memang semua orang ada ups and downs dalam life diorang tapi Oh God. Come on lah. Aku macam dah letih. Nak cakap macam give up pun ada. Penat lah mencuba dan mencuba tapi tak result apa-apa. Mungkin ke aku ni berkira sangat dengan kehidupan. Pantang ada effort yang buat, mesti nak good results. Tapi takpe lah, memang niat aku macam tu setiap kali aku buat. Okay okay of course everything that we do is for the sake of Allah but at the end of the day, we would just look forward on the horizon. The results is what matters. Kalau tak dapat, terima. Terima, terima, terima dan bersyukur. Ah, aku macam dah penat. Bukan aku dah penat bersyukur, Nauzubillah. Tapi aku dah penat buat gila gila belajar tapi aku tak dapat apa yang aku aim. Tadi petang aku jalan kaki balik rumah, and something came into my mind "nanti macam ni je lah aku sampai grad. cuba cuba tak dapat. ah". Aku kadang-kadang terfikir. Macam mane ye aku boleh go thru all those penat lelah belajar from middle school, high school tapi lepas dah masuk menara gading yang sangat awesome, aku barai macam tu je. What on earth. Aku terfikir, aku dah sampai limit state aku ke? Is that all? Am I just not that good enough. Aku tengah nak vomit semua bisikan syaitan yang cakap aku sucks big time and tak boleh compete dengan budak-budak pandai kelas aku but hey, I'm no angel I can't fight evil forces without sacrificing my egos and blinding thoughts which made me think that I was right all along but I'm not.
Aku taktau lah what is next. I'm a person with too many goals and aims dan kadang-kadang aku rasa aku aim terlalu tinggi sampai, the first stair step that I built is as high as the Burj Khalifa. And I can't even get past that first step of a thousand stair steps. Aku rasa aku dalam state of emergence. A state of fighting against my alter egos. Aku terfikir jugak apa pemikiran aku ni tak real ke. Salah ke aku role-modelize kan people macam Rasulullah, Michael Jordan, Saladin, Al-Fateh. These people failed alot and they just got up and gave another try. I mean, too much. I know I can always try to be something. I can try to be me but I'm just not exactly sure if being myself means its good enough. Again, am I good enough or was I just in a dreamy state of desire to be good? Ah kalut.
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