on blogging and milan

milan told me that i think of stuff too hard. and sometimes, i get silly.like, really silly.maybe i should just ease off.oh this is more tiring than watching inception 10 times

my rants(on myself). okay if you don't wanna hear it go away. because it doesn't really make sense (to some people).

So I thought that life was simple and friends(some of them. okay maybe one of them) were regular companions but I was wrong, in a way. I have these stupid bullshit feelings that I know, think, feel or perceive that I should not have. Oh God please endure these feelings for me because, I hate to like it. I really do. It is sooo so wrong. Thats what you get from spending time with the wrong (well not really wrong, but..oh god) person. Okay maybe not that far. that is too far. I don't mean that. What I really mean that we all should control our feelings. But sometimes, its uncontrollable. Ugh okay let me put this clearly. I Suck. That is all. I suck because I should not have this feelings. I should have controlled it in a way that it would not even exist. Because? It is wrong wrong wrong. Oh okay stop denying the fact that you still have those, nauseating, feelings. Okay maybe the devil spoke to me and i insist (by accident). Okay, and so I have another friend and he told me (figuratively), "DUDE it is aaa-oookay to have those feelings". And I was like, "Dude are you mad?". Okay so this is so so so not cool having the fact that I tried my best to let go things that should have been let go of. Let bygones be bygones. And what's with these, shitty, feelings that I feel that I'm better and I deserve it? Well no you don't. That's not up to you. That's God's work. Oh that is ungrateful. Pure suckness. Hey you know what, you (pointing to myself) should wake up and realize that God made life His way and we should foreseen the hikmah of everything that lies in the path. Okay okay stop that. pack up. you're going camping. Pfffffffffffffffffftttttttt

Good. Bad. Ugly. Whatever.

The Good: I feel that I am a very very very much better person this year than any other year in terms of rajin-malas ratio, studython, knowledge retreat (present and hereafter), and of course, the state of my heart. Yet, i'm not saying life is perfect and i'm not saying i have perfected my soul

The Bad: It is truly hard to accept the fact I effortly tried so hard to ace my courses but the paved path is no way else but only to the doom of typical, 60-70s, average marks.

The Ugly: It is even harder to accept the fact when some kid that has the lazyness of a sloth but yet they aced each every single paper that had ever existed in this very earth. and of course life is fair. and maybe slacker was born genius. and who knows!

My theory of success in study was derived through this equation;
hardeffort+smarteffort+doa+tawakal = handfulofknowledge+barakah+Aces!

And yet I lived by a principle called 'Ikhlas' which means, if you are ikhlas, nothing, i mean nothing can or could be on your way. Is failure an option? well it should not be a main goal but it could be a result of an effort as it is yourself to be blamed on but if ikhlas has rationalized all those mistakes or failures, then I would have accepted failure by the means of ikhlas. For example, ikhlas in study; therefore, as long as I study hard and smart, gain knowledge, then there's no worry about acing a paper or failing it because I have achieved the core component of my journey of knowledge, the knowledge itself.

Well that does not make any sense. Really. Life has to be real. Religion taught me to be real. And I gotta be realistic.

Then, i think. i thought. i look and see. i figured. 'Ikhlas' should be productive. or 'Productive Ikhlas'. It does not make sense if I get a result, be satisfied and that is it. No that is not it. And its not that i'm not being grateful. 'Redha' is a whole different thing. Yes life is satisfaction and grateful is a companion. But you don't stop there. Ikhlas has to be productive. If you are doing something on your own will, then it should produce something or much better if it can create something. Extrinsic or intrinsic. Both have to match up at least.

I don't wanna be the extras of the earth. really. I don't. I wanna be something. someone. That provides something significant for this world. And yet I'm not sure what is that. But then again, life is a journey. I might as well live to the best of it and find what's the best of it.

People

Orang yang bodoh bukanlah orang yang rajin belajar, mengimpikan kejayaan peperiksaan, tetapi gagal akhirnya.
Akan tetapi orang yang bodoh adalah orang yang malas belajar, mengimpikan kejayaan peperiksaan, dan masih memperolehi kejayaan peperiksaan.

Tuhan berikan akal untuk berfikir. If you have the power, why would you wanna hide it? Think.

my brain is not that self-simplified

my mind is too empty. i'm feeling so dull right now. my daily routine really ditched my 'fun' part of brain away. school, get home, study, a little net surfing, sleep. and it goes on and on. well, i'm thinking of reading something (if there's time). something on my dusty book shelf. which hasn't been touched since nature told the world that class starts on early january of winter. or something close to that. but things sorted out differently i guess.perhaps i'll find something better to do now or later. i'll think. which was the main disruption in class. oh i really cant focus that good when my mind starts flying through the cloudy sky.that's fun. nuts too. sometimes i caught myself talking to myself. and smiled. and laughed too sometimes. what is this? hell i dont know. your brain can do weird things enough that you couldnt even imagine what or how it works