looking over the shoulder

pernah tak rasa kehilangan masa lalu? seperti. inginkan masa itu kembali di genggaman tangan.nak garapkan peluang yang ada. nak rakus dengan kejayaan yang tersedia. seolah. kebolehan tu baru ditemui. banyaklah persoalan 'alangkah' ataupun 'kalaulah' yang terdetik di fikiran minda. 

pernah tak rasa nak redah semua halangan? macam. tak kisahlah lautan api atau liar rimba. gunung ganang atau lurah terdalam. buat dek je. nak tempuh segala.semangat dah berkobar dah ni. bagilah hujan paling lebat di planet ni atau kemarau paling panas di semesta ni. takkan pandang belakang dah. sebab selama ni, peluang lampau terbazir macam tu je.

pernah tak rasa nak betulkan kesilapan lalu? memang masa tak boleh diputar kembali. tapi rasa macam nak naik time machine macam dlm movie, pastu betulkan semua yang boleh di repair.tak salah kot. tapi lawan hukum tuhan la kot.

pernah tak rasa terkilan tengok orang lain berjaya? seolah dunia ni asik nak tengok diri kalah. semalam hari kau. hari ni hari kau. esok pun hari kau. hari-hari, hari kau. ntah bila hari aku ntah. bosan dah. rasa macam takdir dah tulis diri memang loser without expiry date.

pernah tak rasa diri ni tak berguna? tiap-tiap malam lepak kedai mamak. sembang kopi. pegi ronda sana lepak sini merempat nun jauh. hobi harian la kot. balik rumah lewat nyusahkan mak bapak.ntah la apsal. dah la time malam buang masa, time pagi tido selama mana. bila orang tegur dia kata, "baru ada life beb". ceh.

aku bukan nak exclude atau include sesapa pun dalam examples kat atas. hidup aku pun ada gak kena mengena dengan contoh tu. cuma. pernah tak nak ada impian dalam hidup? pernah tak nak maju ke depan se langkah? nak tak rasa manisan kejayaan? penah ke rasa? yang penting sekarang, nak ke? aku rasa kalau hidup tak nyusahkan orang pun dah cukup. tapi fikir balik, hidup sekadar 'memadai' tu tak cukup kot untuk aku. buat ape hidup taraf second hand bila tuhan dah bagi peluang untuk go to the next extent, to the next level, sedangkan diri sendiri yang taknak. orang selalu je tanya aku, "buat apa masuk tempat susah2, jauh2, sedang kan ada tempat yang senang belajar, dekat2?". lol. believe me, hidup tanpa cabaran simbol kebosanan semesta. sampai bila nak hidup dalam takuk yang sama? sampai bila nak baring dalam gelanggang kosong? daripada tengok belakang, kira hutang lama, layan sesalan lampau, lebih baik realitikan impian esok hari. aku pun manusia biasa. tak lari dari salah silap. banyak kali je mengalami proses procrastination. lol. a mistake a day keeps failure away. don't run from it. treasure it. and mungkin boleh tengok balik kot kamus hidup; apa tujuan hidup? lol. later.

how to not to be not better

i have fallen into my own pool of mistakes. have you ever thought of being not good enough? not good enough for your life? not good enough for your peers? not good enough to the essence or notion of life around you? ever felt that life was cruel and fate was disobedient by the fact that you absolutely confident that you just did your best and you just did not get what you want? ever felt that you wanted to do better, although toughness keeps calling for future needs and you just can't go on? ever felt that you wanted to give up? ever felt that the life is so pathetic that you want to turn back around? well, heads up. pick your spot. spray the load. lay em off. spread the words. behave your mind. think your thoughts. the answer is simply jihad.(sounds like some tv ads plak.haha)

lets get the fact straight. with all of the posts that i have published. dear strangers, i just wanna say that, i am no religious person. i am no pious man. i am no president of the msa or whatever. i am simply a guy who spread the words that i know is right. but knowing is such different than that of the act of practising. there's a theodicy talk in my campus a while ago. its not the word of God or Evil that captured my attention. it was simply a question from an anonymous about , "is Jihad evil?". the speaker gave a very clear view on why the real jihad is, not whatsoever, evil. i was amazed, that as a matter of fact, i am a selfish, forgetful, and an ignorant person. people hear the word Jihad everyday. my fellow muslim peers know the very exact definition of Jihad. But the reality is, we, oh wait, I failed to use this very greatful tool to not to be not better, in life.

but still, confusion strucks my thought a while ago. the requirement to use this very tool is totally difficult. i mean, it starts for your ethics. from your daily practise. from the way you think or the way you act. and if that is logic and do-able, would we make that as our everyday norms? probably istiqamah is the hardest part, at least that what i think. when i say jihad, i am not talking about doing full time ibadah such as 'solat sunat', etc.; all the time. dont get me wrong. what do i mean is that; performing your everyday usual norms, in a far more, optimistically better way. when you soccer, shoot the ball as hard as you can. when you study, read more. when you jump, bounce it hard. when you walk, pace further away. there is more to life than just looking back. so, keep getting better okay? ;)

"what's wrong with falling down, you can always stand up again"

why i am a failure at first attempt.

the typical me.

stumble.

fall.

down.

gave up.

crushed.

tempted.

unprioritized.

uncautious.

irrelevant.

vengeful.

ignorant.

fool.

there is a time when it comes to the state of where one does know that one possesses these 'enormous' characteristics, but failed to realize what its all about. when consequences took place, then one would felt for the need of repentance and waking up. then, one shall arise, picking up the pieces that one had been crushed upon. then one would carry the burden till the end of the road.where victory awaits. its just norms.

without further a due, let the vows begin. let the contemplation of one's mind speak. let the one speak upon itself and resist the tempted surroundings of the place, or time. 

let me own the semester.

oh, why did i ever thought randomly

there is a walking distance between us. featured by the tendency to feel that love. our memory is the strongest bond that had ever taken shape. but fate has chosen my memory to be forsaken of anything. the memory of your remembrance. 

i feel your pain. i feel your heart, beat seconds after seconds. plush my heart to the bottom of the ground. and imagine the sanctity of our bonds. if we have the power to break it apart, then i shall forfeit. if all memories of the humanity have been wiped out, then i shall saviour ours. not because i wanted to. its just that u deserve to be in my mind. 

touch my hand. ill take you to the deepest view of my mind. and we'll stroll ourselves all the way down. but have memories lost itself? does your eyes lies underneath mine? does my cruelty bonds with your purity? im just thinking sanely. but its just making me insane.will you ever happen to me again?

something that i wrote randomly. too much movies! urgh.

anyway, back to reality. school's up and welcome to the very new era of studying, staying-up-late-ing, burning eyes with words and numbers that doesn't even make sense, and of course, istiqamah. okay2 maybe it doesnt look very new. its typical.so why do typical stuff in a very typical behaviour which is typically do-able? well the thing is, its not that typical. i mean,  the asyraf today is not the same as the asyraf tomorrow. well, i may look the same which is chubby(ok not that chubby), long haired, wearing glasses, bla2.but what resembles inside that makes the difference. ill be studying like any other semester but i would want to get better doing it. ill be istiqamah like any typical semester, but i would really2 want to get better on it. it seems that a term-long period is not that long. then summer shall arise and i'll be hanging off my coat again. but till then, lets just keep my head straight ok? and try to do things more, randomly. hehe..

awful vision

today i had a dream. i dont know if its a game of satan or a path of god.

i was looking forth. everybody was laughing at this one person. i held a blanket. i wanted to wrap the fear on the blanket. for this person. it was so sympathetic. she turned away. i brought her inside. we looked out the window. those people who laughed at her, somehow got hypnotized or something. jumping themselves down the roof. it was horrible. it was a nightmare. it was like a vast rain of suicidal act. i was terrified and traumatized.

woke up. its 7 am. still time for subuh. syuruk's 7.30am. got up, take wudu', perform my daily duty. held my hands up forth, seeking tranquility.

tempted by the pretty ugly bed. it was cold. beaten by my lust of cautious. went to sleep. and another nightmare.

my father died. Astaghfirullah. i was crying like hell. everybody was sadden by this. my brother reached me. hug me. i went home. finding my path. i felt so lost. i felt so dimmed. performed my prayer. what is this feeling? the feeling of a fatherless poor little boy. i saw orphans crying. people trying to cheer me up. i left them out. and then i woke up.

it was 10am. Astaghfirullah, Thank God. it was a dream. He gave me a lesson again. if thats the feeling of the people that have no fathers and mothers, then i should be thankful for what i have. always. and one thing. i dont have anything to give in turn for my beloved parents, but please God, accept my prayer and do'a as i am only your weak servant.

and umm yeah, dont sleep after subuh =X