randomly thinking

kitaran robot

2012-01-05T10:52:00.001-05:00

Here i am, thinking and drifting my thoughts on a cloudy night thinking upon the coming days and the year that my undergrad days shall be over. Currently, i can't get my head over the fact that after graduation, if I'd ever decided to indulge myself in the world of working class men (but of an engineer instead of laborer, if that's how human civilization puts it as an icing of separation on which level should one levels of work has to be bestowed upon), this would have to be the start of 'kitaran robot'. Every single day, 9am to 6pm, plus another 1 hour of driving back and forth, I would crunch my body and motivate my mind (motivate is a generic term of a word that has an inclination towards a positive significance of life, but this, i don't know) to go to this place called work. Yes, work. Then, night comes when you have no energy left to do anything else rather than eat your dinner and watch some shows on tv which could be so life-threatening for those muscles that were active back in the gym days. And to make it worse, the cycle would last for 5 days a week, as I would seek to find friday as if it is hari raya eve where happiness blooms within my mind without any utter reasons - its not like i'm going to do anything super on the weekends after all and it only lasts for 2 freaking days. Weekends are for celebrating the escapade of those 5 days of making yourself, shaping your mind and creating a physical body of a robot. Some may blame this as the nature of our civilization in today's world where people shove their asses to make some cash while the upper class collects money from the people of the bottom as if workers were slaves and CEOs were the kings and queens. As a matter of fact, that is the form of monarchy of today's corporate world maybe and people wouldn't see it that way as monarchy is so 1800s. or 1700s. or whatever. So, I was asking myself these few days back when I thought too deep (as always) on the notion of having to work. Its not that I despise the people of these 'kings and queens' of the corporate worlds, nor do I have some sort of hatred towards the feeling of having to work 9am to 6pm a day because i do believe in the essence of self-efficacy and that is: if one work hard on a matter, one should attain the goals of a matter. And in this context, you work, you get salary. In fact, this is how the economy works as a system - individuals work hard to benefit not just on individual levels but also on the communal level. So then people would say, "hey its for the greater good".

I honestly don't have anything against the notion of kitaran robot (or corporations or whatever I wrote above). Its just that, imagining myself within the situation is enough to make me vomit on it. The depiction of it is so boring and somehow, I felt that it is insignificant in my quest of changing the world. Or maybe I am too fickle because there's this time once I had the idea that if someone wanted to go up, they should start from the very bottom and persevere throughout the so called 'quest'. And to start from the bottom is to do this 'kitaran robot'. So this idea is not so bad after all. I think most of the negative connotations that my mind had towards the kitaran robot is simply because of what I had seen a junior civil engineer can only do so much: paperwork, site visit, paperwork, site visit, paperwork (and meetings). I sounded like a total jerk do I. Or rather an ungrateful total jerk. So, with these things on my mind, I am torn apart (again) with the idea if this is ever a good first step towards building a legacy or kitaran robot simply sucks (and it is also inevitable) and its better to think of something greater than this. Or, am I just freaking out of the fact that my undergrad days are numbered? Maybe.

p/s: A wise friend once said that it is better (or easier, I guess) to do many small changes rather than one big change.

Reality Check

2011-10-05T11:21:00.003-04:00

First up, sorry for the 7-months hiatus. I wasn't exactly sure why. Is it because I'm not bothered at all to jot down something on the blog, or am I too hesitant in every draft I made. But, whatever.

Here's some of whats been goin' on for the past 6 months:

1. I was (or maybe still am somewhere inside) a person with quizzical minds. I question things too much, especially on things that I don't have or owned. Be thankful is not about accepting average decisions, or taking in on-par values. Its about cherishing what you have and go for even better things that you can achieve. I may have lacked this in some parts of my mind (or heart).

2. There was once a time back in January where I have lost faith in myself. I literally believed that it is impossible to succeed (academically) in my course. It is an inevitable state of mind. I couldn't care more or less. I just don't want to think. I was pragmatic. It wasn't the first time that I tried so hard and I failed. But hey, I guess bad things happen for a reason. I was stuck in between believing whether it was myself that's not good enough, or it is God's will. It was a turnover from the second that I made myself sure, I chose God.

3. Laziness is a disease. And that leads to procrastination. It had attempted to kill almost everything I had, I need or I want to have in life. God, put me away from this thing. It's kind of a funny thing, but procrastination is a cyclical process. I have been trying on and off to put it away and one conclusion that i can say; It all comes down to my Amal. Its weird, but the closer I am to God, the more I'm conscious of what I'm doing, and the more I stay away from procrastination. Cheers!

4. 4th Year is the year. I'll rule the world.

Allah! Forgive Me!

2011-03-20T18:58:00.001-04:00

I'm so blind

I mean. Why didn't I foreseen this?

I should have known.

The world is so twisted with hypocritical words

Spread like swarm of bees with magnitudes of an earthquake

I surrender to you Lord but I'm so afraid if I'll be surrendered by the world

when ignorance eat my heart out and people keep asking me things

I'm not here to please people. I'm here to please God

So please! help me out man

I can't get out of this world alone

Ride along with me for the journey to Jannah

The world is just a game made by God

To test our credibility and yet are we qualify enough to meet Him.

Heaven has a huge price.

I'm not sure I can pay with my money in my pocket

Oh and my cash book has a bad ending

But all I have is my tiny whiny good deeds

So, I'm here. Prostrating to you. Pondering. Wondering. Thinking. Imploring. I need your mercy Allah!

"Oh people, repent to Allah, for indeed, I repent to Allah 100 times every day"
[Muslim : 2702]

Ibn Mas'ud narrated that the Prophet said:
“Indeed, Allah is more happy with the repentance of His slave than a man who stops in a barren, desolate land; with him he has his riding animal. He then goes to sleep. When he wakes up, [he realizes that] his mount is gone. He searches for it until he is on the verge of dying. He then says, ‘I will return to the place wherein I lost it, and I will die there.’ He went to that place, and he was then overcome by sleep. When he woke up, his mount was [standing] right beside his head: on it was his food, his drink, his provisions, and the things he neded. Allah is more happy with the repentance of his believing slave than the aforementioned man when he finds his mount and his provisions.”
[al-Bukhaari: 6308 ; Muslim: 2744]

p/s: has nothing to do with my academic nor personal problem. I'm fine. Just that I need to be aware I'm living in a state where challenges and tests are gonna get me

mencari diri sendiri (konflik dalaman oh!)

2011-03-12T22:52:00.001-05:00

"Buat yg termampu Acap. jika kita tak dapat apa yg kita mahu, bukan bererti kita gagal. Org yg gagal ialah org yg tak sedar ia gagal dan tak mengaku ia gagal. Jika kita sedar dan berusaha membaikinya maknanya kita org yg berjaya." - A Rahman Safar, 2011

entri hati ke hati #4

2011-02-22T23:06:00.002-05:00

This Entry was supposed to be posted 2-3 weeks ago but my heart refused from letting me click the "Publish Post" button. I don't know why.

Sepanjang hari ni aku macam, hmm taktau lah. macam orang desperate pun ada, macam orang dah letih pun ada. Desperate sangat nak buat itu nak buat ini tapi thoughts weren't spewed into actions. I don't know why lah. It seems that I've been through a phase of downunder. Well, theoretically memang semua orang ada ups and downs dalam life diorang tapi Oh God. Come on lah. Aku macam dah letih. Nak cakap macam give up pun ada. Penat lah mencuba dan mencuba tapi tak result apa-apa. Mungkin ke aku ni berkira sangat dengan kehidupan. Pantang ada effort yang buat, mesti nak good results. Tapi takpe lah, memang niat aku macam tu setiap kali aku buat. Okay okay of course everything that we do is for the sake of Allah but at the end of the day, we would just look forward on the horizon. The results is what matters. Kalau tak dapat, terima. Terima, terima, terima dan bersyukur. Ah, aku macam dah penat. Bukan aku dah penat bersyukur, Nauzubillah. Tapi aku dah penat buat gila gila belajar tapi aku tak dapat apa yang aku aim. Tadi petang aku jalan kaki balik rumah, and something came into my mind "nanti macam ni je lah aku sampai grad. cuba cuba tak dapat. ah". Aku kadang-kadang terfikir. Macam mane ye aku boleh go thru all those penat lelah belajar from middle school, high school tapi lepas dah masuk menara gading yang sangat awesome, aku barai macam tu je. What on earth. Aku terfikir, aku dah sampai limit state aku ke? Is that all? Am I just not that good enough. Aku tengah nak vomit semua bisikan syaitan yang cakap aku sucks big time and tak boleh compete dengan budak-budak pandai kelas aku but hey, I'm no angel I can't fight evil forces without sacrificing my egos and blinding thoughts which made me think that I was right all along but I'm not.

Aku taktau lah what is next. I'm a person with too many goals and aims dan kadang-kadang aku rasa aku aim terlalu tinggi sampai, the first stair step that I built is as high as the Burj Khalifa. And I can't even get past that first step of a thousand stair steps. Aku rasa aku dalam state of emergence. A state of fighting against my alter egos. Aku terfikir jugak apa pemikiran aku ni tak real ke. Salah ke aku role-modelize kan people macam Rasulullah, Michael Jordan, Saladin, Al-Fateh. These people failed alot and they just got up and gave another try. I mean, too much. I know I can always try to be something. I can try to be me but I'm just not exactly sure if being myself means its good enough. Again, am I good enough or was I just in a dreamy state of desire to be good? Ah kalut.

Tips Mengenal Pasti:Bagaimana nk prepare utk soalan final 'extreme difficulty' untuk dijawab walaupun anda telah study 24/7 redbull allnighter

2010-12-20T13:27:00.006-05:00

Bayangkan anda ada satu subjek ni. Anda boleh la kate telah mengfully-prepared kan diri. Tapi anda masih lagi mempunyai syak wasangka terhadap professor/tenaga pengajar/guru yang mungkin saje-saje for fun kasi soalan killer. Hal ini kerana, sesetengah pengajar boleh menjadikan anda batch experiment, dengan memberikan soalan super saiya dengan niat kununnye untuk menaikkan martabat universiti (ataupun menaikkan ranking universiti kat times higher education atau QS) yang boleh menyebabkan anda tension sewaktu menjawab peperiksaan lalu bermonolog dalaman dalam hati, "arghh aku study macam orang minyak kut tak tido malam, cover semua chapter (termasuk chapter ciput2), buat past year question, buku jadi awek, ARGH APSAL SUSAH GILE". Situasi ini seringkali berlaku pada manusia-manusia yang tak bernasib baik dan dijadikan seperti tikus eksperimen oleh pihak-pihak universiti yang sengaja untuk test power, ataupun kununnye mahu meng-single out kan orang power dikalangan orang power (oh please).

Tips #1 - Think Like A Prof.

Tanya diri anda, kalau la aku prof, camne aku nak dajal budak2 ni kasi soalan susah gilaks? hmm, senang! kasi soalan yang ade dlm silibus (note that pengajar tak boleh kasi soalan takde dalam silibus walau sesusah mane pun soalan tu) tapi aku extrapolate, a.k.a. main putar belit sikit, kasi diorang ni pening nak jawab, dengan kata lain trick-or-treat question. Ini merupakan taktik yang agak nakal kerana kebiasaannya pelajar bertauliah jarang untuk berfikir outside the box sebab mereka suka go by the book. Dengan kata lain, follow je apa professor bagi kat note. jangan mandai2 nak buat sendiri punya extrapolation. Therefore, kadang-kadang, kita kene think outside the box tapi mestilah menggunakan conscience yang rational iaitu limit-limit la sikit nak berfikir kreatif sekalipun.

Tips #2 - Work Smart! (you don't really have to work hard, but you do need a rational amount of work)

Kedewasaan ini ramai mamat nerd yang kuat buat kerja lebih, tapi up to what level? up to what degree? up to what standard? itu kena tepuk dada tanya selera. Kita mungkin boleh hafal satu textbook tapi apa guna kalau hafal textbook tapi tak tahu technique? apa guna hafal textbook tapi prof kasi bawak textbook (aid-type exam) dalam exam? hmm, senang! soalan susah selalunya kalau dah tahu jawapan mesti jadi senang betul tak? so, instead of trying to kill 10 birds with 100 stones, try killing 1 bird with no stones at all. Ini mudah dilaksanakan dengan cara memahami betul-betul konsep trivial. jangan buat acuh tak acuh. Contoh acuh tak acuh: " alah ni dah study, keluar pun senang je" or "ek eleh study bende sama banyak kali buat apa?". Jangan tertipu dengan ajakan syaiton ini kerana, pembelajaran core concept lebih penting daripada tahu benda-benda aside je. Lepas tu, cuba putar belit core concept tu atau (kalau ade belajar aside jugak) cube connect2 sikit dan cuba pusing-pusing dan selalu question the concept.

Tips #3 - Kalau dah buat semua diatas, soalan killer keluar pun susah jugak a.k.a takleh jawap?!?!?!

tulis komen dekat soalan: professor apsal susah sangat?!?! wadahel? tak ajar pown...

atau, anda tawakal je la.

Biodata penulis: penulis merupakan pelajar di salah sebuah universiti di utara amerika dan sering mendapat soalan-soalan mencabar harga diri dan sangat pissed off, lalu menulis artikel/rant di atas.

antara hijrah dan belajar dan buffering

2010-12-15T16:22:00.006-05:00

Kian sekali kita lupa bahawasanya hijrah, belajar, dan buffer, mempunyai kaitan yang sangat rapat. Lupa. Lupa akibat kepantasan dunia kini amat membataskan masa apabila haru biru hari-hari yang ditempuhi mengasyikkan kepale otak dan tidak sedar akan ape yang berlaku. dan kelibat kita sebagai student, ataupun pelajar, yang belajar dengan hijrah yang dilakukan hari demi hari. belajar itu bermaksud, pergi kelas (Ataupun boleh juga dengan memandang langit, dimana petunjuk kewujudan tuhan berada dimana-mana). dan apabila kita memutuskan untuk belajar rajin-rajin, itu bermakna kita sedang mengalami proses penghijrahan. proses hijrah ini bermaksud, daripada tak belajar malas asik dok main game dan prokrastinasi, berubah (ataupun hijrah) ke arah yang lebih baik iaitu mencari ilmu, mengisi dada dengan input input fardu kifayah iaitu pembelajaran duniawi (diingatkan pembelajaran ukhrawi itu juga penting tapi tengok jugak timing). sedar tak sedar, hijrah dengan nawaitu untuk belajar, membufferkan diri kita dan terlupa akan apa yang terjadi di sekeliling. contohnye: kini tiba final exam, dimana para pelajar akan belajar menjadi terpelajar. demi peperiksaan ataupun demi ilmu. itu cerita belakang. tapi kesibukan dan kepantasan masa yang berlalu dgn begitu pantas, membuatkan kita lupa, laa esok hari asyura? ataupun, laa esok raya? ataupun, laa esok 2011? keekstriman fokus, atau buffer dalam belajar ini membuatkan kita, acuh tak acuh dgn perkembangan sekeliling. bukan kuasa kita tapi mungkin multitasking antara belajar dan tak belajar itu satu cabaran. cabaran untuk bertukar kondisi semasa.

yang peliknya, tiba masa dah habis peperiksaan, bermulalah transaksi, ataupun hijrah, daripada tekun belajar terus ke sesuatu yang lain. dan yang lain itu adalah, tidak belajar dan menjadi tidak terpelajar. apabila tidak terpelajar, aktiviti atau aktivitas harian akan dipenuhi dengan menonton movies hasil download pirate (download dilakukan sewaktu prokrastinasi ketika final exam tempoh hari) ataupun bermain permainan video. dengan kata lain, perlakuan lagha kian memuncak. tidak lah perlu disalahkan para pelajar yang sudah lagi tak terpelajar ini, tapi mereka merasakan ini sebagai breakthrough, ataupun perkara yang wajib dilakukan akibat 'seksaan' pembelajaran final exam yang disebutkan sebelum ini. seharusnya waktu-waktu lapang begini harus dipenuhkan dengan aktiviti-aktiviti berfaedah seperti, anda tahu la apa yang berfaedah dan tidak berfaedah untuk saya menyenaraikan apa contoh-contoh aktiviti berfaedah itu. tetapi membaca buku dan berjalan dan kembara tafsir itu dikatakan berfaedah.

jadi, terpulanglah untuk kita, mendefinisikan tempoh-tempoh suka duka waktu pembelajaran ini, sama ada belajar untuk exam. atau belajar untuk Allah.

barakallah hu feek.

hihihihihihi

something that my dad posted on his fb and it caught me for a minute, well i felt that this is so him

2010-11-19T01:43:00.002-05:00

‎"It is impossible to express love with words, for love is an emotional state that can be understood only by the lover"

kenape saye lame hilang (rants and random opinions)

2010-11-06T21:27:00.005-04:00

sebab saye kat toronto. ha. ok lawak kapow.

but seriously, i've been superbly busy. all the free time that i've got was weekends. and that would be, from 9pm to 2am, strictly saturday. i would chill, watch movies, go to the cinema, eat sushi, or whatever that would stay me away from books and notes. the reason is, when you study six to seven hours straight, you will have this sensational feeling in your brain. then, it recuperates with a feeling of animosity towards what's these knowledge have to do with your freaking future? then, your brain will slowly boil and melts like a cotton candy stickin on your tongue..and you would wanna lick it...like...lick it so hard...like..like....

But my point is, my brain will go fully functional over a lengthy concentration span if i can get the right niat (pronounced 'niah' as what the sheikhs pronounced). and at the end of the day. after all those works. after all those all nighters. after all those memancing (this would be penahanan diri untuk sedar and fokus dalam lecture tapi tersengguk jugak). after all those wars waged. after all those sacrifices. I wouldn't care less about my results. because i did it. i did the leap of faith. and you were gonna say 'what?'. cuz i'm gonna say; yeah, ooo yeah

p/s: i'm getting more wackier everyday.due to excessive knowledge input.but yeah, i tend to dream. you know what? i wanna build an empire.

bila fikir

2010-09-01T22:33:00.002-04:00

bila fikir...macamana nak tahu..yang..kita fikir tu...mengikut kehendak atau kemahuan semua orang...dan...decide..untuk..future yang menyebelahi semua pihak...fikir tentang kemahuan diri sahaja mungkin tak cukup untuk menjadi lebih baik....tapi jika khayalan jiwa sebab terlampau mahu mengikut ego dan kata hati sendiri...itu dah selfish? atau mungkin dia saja yang betul...ah aku taktau.

on blogging and milan

2010-08-08T10:10:00.004-04:00

milan told me that i think of stuff too hard. and sometimes, i get silly.like, really silly.maybe i should just ease off.oh this is more tiring than watching inception 10 times

my rants(on myself). okay if you don't wanna hear it go away. because it doesn't really make sense (to some people).

2010-08-06T14:04:00.008-04:00

So I thought that life was simple and friends(some of them. okay maybe one of them) were regular companions but I was wrong, in a way. I have these stupid bullshit feelings that I know, think, feel or perceive that I should not have. Oh God please endure these feelings for me because, I hate to like it. I really do. It is sooo so wrong. Thats what you get from spending time with the wrong (well not really wrong, but..oh god) person. Okay maybe not that far. that is too far. I don't mean that. What I really mean that we all should control our feelings. But sometimes, its uncontrollable. Ugh okay let me put this clearly. I Suck. That is all. I suck because I should not have this feelings. I should have controlled it in a way that it would not even exist. Because? It is wrong wrong wrong. Oh okay stop denying the fact that you still have those, nauseating, feelings. Okay maybe the devil spoke to me and i insist (by accident). Okay, and so I have another friend and he told me (figuratively), "DUDE it is aaa-oookay to have those feelings". And I was like, "Dude are you mad?". Okay so this is so so so not cool having the fact that I tried my best to let go things that should have been let go of. Let bygones be bygones. And what's with these, shitty, feelings that I feel that I'm better and I deserve it? Well no you don't. That's not up to you. That's God's work. Oh that is ungrateful. Pure suckness. Hey you know what, you (pointing to myself) should wake up and realize that God made life His way and we should foreseen the hikmah of everything that lies in the path. Okay okay stop that. pack up. you're going camping. Pfffffffffffffffffftttttttt

Good. Bad. Ugly. Whatever.

2010-04-01T22:25:00.004-04:00

The Good: I feel that I am a very very very much better person this year than any other year in terms of rajin-malas ratio, studython, knowledge retreat (present and hereafter), and of course, the state of my heart. Yet, i'm not saying life is perfect and i'm not saying i have perfected my soul

The Bad: It is truly hard to accept the fact I effortly tried so hard to ace my courses but the paved path is no way else but only to the doom of typical, 60-70s, average marks.

The Ugly: It is even harder to accept the fact when some kid that has the lazyness of a sloth but yet they aced each every single paper that had ever existed in this very earth. and of course life is fair. and maybe slacker was born genius. and who knows!

My theory of success in study was derived through this equation;
hardeffort+smarteffort+doa+tawakal = handfulofknowledge+barakah+Aces!

And yet I lived by a principle called 'Ikhlas' which means, if you are ikhlas, nothing, i mean nothing can or could be on your way. Is failure an option? well it should not be a main goal but it could be a result of an effort as it is yourself to be blamed on but if ikhlas has rationalized all those mistakes or failures, then I would have accepted failure by the means of ikhlas. For example, ikhlas in study; therefore, as long as I study hard and smart, gain knowledge, then there's no worry about acing a paper or failing it because I have achieved the core component of my journey of knowledge, the knowledge itself.

Well that does not make any sense. Really. Life has to be real. Religion taught me to be real. And I gotta be realistic.

Then, i think. i thought. i look and see. i figured. 'Ikhlas' should be productive. or 'Productive Ikhlas'. It does not make sense if I get a result, be satisfied and that is it. No that is not it. And its not that i'm not being grateful. 'Redha' is a whole different thing. Yes life is satisfaction and grateful is a companion. But you don't stop there. Ikhlas has to be productive. If you are doing something on your own will, then it should produce something or much better if it can create something. Extrinsic or intrinsic. Both have to match up at least.

I don't wanna be the extras of the earth. really. I don't. I wanna be something. someone. That provides something significant for this world. And yet I'm not sure what is that. But then again, life is a journey. I might as well live to the best of it and find what's the best of it.

People

2010-03-18T00:39:00.003-04:00

Orang yang bodoh bukanlah orang yang rajin belajar, mengimpikan kejayaan peperiksaan, tetapi gagal akhirnya.
Akan tetapi orang yang bodoh adalah orang yang malas belajar, mengimpikan kejayaan peperiksaan, dan masih memperolehi kejayaan peperiksaan.

Tuhan berikan akal untuk berfikir. If you have the power, why would you wanna hide it? Think.

my brain is not that self-simplified

2010-01-14T23:43:00.005-05:00

my mind is too empty. i'm feeling so dull right now. my daily routine really ditched my 'fun' part of brain away. school, get home, study, a little net surfing, sleep. and it goes on and on. well, i'm thinking of reading something (if there's time). something on my dusty book shelf. which hasn't been touched since nature told the world that class starts on early january of winter. or something close to that. but things sorted out differently i guess.perhaps i'll find something better to do now or later. i'll think. which was the main disruption in class. oh i really cant focus that good when my mind starts flying through the cloudy sky.that's fun. nuts too. sometimes i caught myself talking to myself. and smiled. and laughed too sometimes. what is this? hell i dont know. your brain can do weird things enough that you couldnt even imagine what or how it works

1 Months. No Lunch. 52 dollars of cash.

2010-01-09T21:22:00.003-05:00

gym workouts on monday, thursday, friday (the unbusiest evening of my weekdays). Lets see if I can survive this.

p/s: damn i'm so inspired by Julia Child right now. haha

Between Confrontations and Arguments

2010-01-05T19:11:00.012-05:00

Apabila manusia dilanda situasi berkonfrontasi, tipikalnya disebabkan oleh argumentasi antara manusia yang berlainan pendapat, cara berfikir atau interaksi. Kelainan ini dah selalu aku amati. Perbezaan pendapat itu bukanlah salah. Tetapi, cara menghadapi perbezaan ini sering dilihat sebagai satu resolusi yang tidak akan di'consume' ataupun diterima oleh sesetengah individu. Takkan nak biar diri berargumentasi sedangkan ianya tersedia untuk diselesaikan? Pada aku, argumentasi itu memang tuhan jadikan untuk kita selesaikan, bukan biarkan ia berlanjutan seperti racun dalam darah.

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَاكُم مِّن ذَكَرٍ وَأُنثَى وَجَعَلْنَاكُمْ شُعُوبًا وَقَبَائِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوا إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِندَ اللَّهِ أَتْقَاكُمْ إِنَّ اللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ
O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things). (49:13)

Baru-baru ini, aku merelakan diri menghadiri talk daripada salah satu tokoh intelek popular di kebanyakan negara barat dan timur tengah, Tareq Suwaydan, yang telah memberikan satu intipati yang aku rasa cukup masuk dalam situasi day-to-day aku untuk mencari jawapan kehidupan. Beliau menceritakan dialog antara manusia yang perbezaan pendapat, samada antara muslim itu sendiri, mahupun dengan non-muslim. Ini mencetuskan satu idealisasi penting dari perspektif fikiran. Aku melihat perbezaan itu sebagai satu tarikan langsung untuk melanjutkan perbincangan yang lebih menarik. Bukankah bosan kalau segala yang wujud antara kita hanyalah persamaan? Bukankah buntu persoalan kalau semua yang hampir antara kita hanyalah penyerupaan? Kalau bukan sebab hikmah tuhan, kenapa dia jadikan kita semua berlainan warna kulit, bangsa, agama, cara berfikir dan lain-lain? Di antara konfrontasi dan argumentasi, sepatutnya wujud satu ruang perdebatan. Perdebatan yang patut dilegasikan untuk mengwar-warkan jawapan sebenar dalam persoalan yang ramai orang bertanyakan.

Tapi sesetengah individu lari dari konfrontasi. Sama ada tidak senang untuk berbicara secara terbuka, ataupun tidak suka dengan attitude pihak sebelah sana. Lari adalah satu cara yang mudah. permanent solution for a temporary problem. Ibarat suicide. Probability untuk bertemu kembali dengan masalah adalah close to zero. Persoalannya, berbaloikah mematikan intuisi hati daripada mengambil tahu akar umbi argumentasi tersebut?

Perdebatan dapat menyelesaikan konfrontasi dan argumentasi. Mungkin statement tersebut agak overrated bagi sesetengah individu hari ini kerana banyak perdebatan yang berlaku hari ini tidak betul-betul menyelesaikan masalah pun. Perdebatan yang functional hanya boleh terlaksana jika disertakan dengan sistem yang mantap. Ego dan sensitiviti tidak berasas ketika bertukar pendapat perlu diketepikan. Persamaan perlu dicari dan perbezaan perlu diterima. References, ataupun sources of facts perlu di dalam konteks yang sama dan relevan. Konfrontasi perlu untuk menyelesaikan argumentasi melalui medium perdebatan. Akan tetapi, perdebatan itu sendiri akan menjadi sama sekali useless kalau salah satu, atau kedua-dua pihak tidak reti-reti lagi nak buka minda tu. Kalau masih dibawah kongkongan dan di takuk yang sama. Kalau sebelum nak debate, dah tahu dah dia sorang je yang betul. Hmm, mungkin ego dan penutupan minda tu sendiri root problem yang membuatkan orang malas nak berkonfrontasi?
Masih mencari jawapan.

propaganda

2009-12-04T00:34:00.000-05:00

winter ticket flight.mahal gila kot.damn.tak jadi makan nasi lemak telo goyang kat mamak time toronto snowy2.haish.simpan duit beli lens je la

research 101: cara berfikir

2009-11-20T01:32:00.000-05:00

i was procrastinating with facebook while there's a draft essay due tomorrow and i came across something: a debate between mr A and mr H. its really ironic in terms of the way they exchange their thoughts. Oh, believe me, i may not know mr A that much, but at least i know what he's good at; religion. and from what i heard from peeps around, mr H do have 'a huge chunks' of knowledge of religion too. but he's kinda, ill say 'liberal', in the way he thinks about stuff. or God. or not. i dont wanna have preconceived judgments.

And so mr A talks about advertising by putting 'hot chicks' besides a product. well, i know his trying to point out that these ads are trying to take advantage of human's weakest point - nafsu. he compared these and that and so on. and so mr H tries to rebuttal by saying that even toothpaste have different colours of packaging or something. probably something conservative in a way that the purpose of those ads are just simply being attractive ads! well. if thats the case. theres nothing wrong with putting pretty woman with huge breast on ads isn't it?

Well i think that the way we think probably is the best 'gestures' on how we interact with opinions. If you put religion, as in, Islam, or maybe Quran, or whatever, as your medium of judgment or thoughts, then your preconceived ideas would be totally different than thinking the most logical way of how things work. Dude, i mean, really, like, seriously? you cant even live in this world with sanity if logical is your benchmark of thinking. i mean, okay, how does the earth forms itself? like, did it just happened? did it just coincidentally form due to some big bang theory? google that up if you must. but i must say that science doesnt tolerate with everything that past us by. while logical thought is just another word of extrapolating your conscious mind without taking faith into consideration.

Bias or perhaps immatured thoughts does have its ruling in how we think. or act. i mean, when you judge something, do you open up your thoughts? or you're just like, dude, im-not-taking-faith-into-this-mess-cuz-i-dont-even-believe-in-that-kinda-shit kinda thinking

really, i may not know you, but lets not point up fingers. perhaps as im writing this up, even i do have biases on that piece of crap. who knows? we live under metaconscious ideas that really shape up our thoughts. i hope you find your way through hell. or heaven. whichever you want to go. or if u ever believe in it.

the truth is..

2009-11-14T03:39:00.000-05:00

that i'm so pissed off for not having to go to turkey with my family next month, that im gonna spend like hell in winterbreak.brazil? usa? argh!!

p/s: i love getting busy every week doing 3 assignments, 2 midterms, 3 problem sets oh and an essay.lets do that again next week! yippee love sarcasm.and sociology sucks

pemikiran dalam anjakan paradigma

2009-10-29T12:29:00.000-04:00

The impossibleness of getting a dean list is an overrated ideology. Its not impossible, its just friggin'ly hard in a way that i need to nurture my organization of brain mind to develop thoroughly, sickly, annoyingly and fatally. is that just too much?. Concentration in class does have its own graphs of ups and downs. The only thing that stucks the impossibleness on it is how to istiqamahly teach our brain to actually focus in class - take each and every prominent notes, heads up high on what is the lecturer teaching - probably that would be some of moderate ideas on how to tackle istiqamah problems. But when God decides that one day you'll fall sick - demam, batuk, etc. - would that be a constraints to perform your ideal focusing on class and determination of studies? Probably a big leap of paradigm would be needed to overcome the impossibleness. but hey, there's no harm in trying isn't it? the worst scenario could be head cramp or maybe brain disorder.haha.worth it.

curhat letter to God

2009-10-12T01:02:00.000-04:00

i think i need taqwa. i need it so bad and i can barely breath without it.
if its even possible to grab it with my bare hands. i don't wanna let go.
it made me feel alive.it comforts me.it never stops pushing me forward.
it tells me bedtime story before i went to sleep.it kisses me goodnight. it helps me to sleep well every night
it pushes away any burden that comes around. or helps me cross the line of struggleness
it helps me to thank God when things goes well. or to feel redha when bad things passes by.
it leads my way. it gives me spirit. it gives me inspiration. it gives me mind-blowing ideas.
it wakes me up when i fell asleep.or loosen me up when i'm over the borders.
but if you can give me some help, just don't stop.ever.i need you the most.today or tomorrow.

Thank You Allah.

Best,
Asyraf

eid eve.

2009-09-21T22:06:00.000-04:00

ring ring. Rizal woke me up. it was 11 am. saturday. okay the plan was to go to Chinatown at 9am and pick up groceries for eid menu. and i was fading away from the realms of today by daydreaming. or sleeping. anyway, i rushed. bathed for 5 minutes. trying to fit the contacts into my eyes. okay thats taking too much time. screw the contacts. took the glasses and head off to the streets to catch a tram.

so there wasnt gonna be any chinatown trip. they bought the stuff already when i was sleeping. darn them. ok that shudve been my fault ahah so what. so we walked up to the parliament street in the need of getting some halal butchery. the chicken was there. laid off. waiting for the right guy to pick it up. "8 whole chicken. 12 pieces," i said numbly.ignorantly. without having the thoughts of whats going to happen next. in the mean time, i decided to go to the no frills. a carrefour-like market. bought some more ingredients for the eid menu.

so then i walked back into the halal butchery shop. took my chicks. and that sudden moment just took my breath away. i forgot to ask the butcher to not to take the skins out. i love skinny chicks! lol. i meant to say is that i love chickens skin. im a malay anyway. cholestrol's my bestfriend. and nobody gives a damn.ahah. anyway after painfully regretting our notions that we forgot, i mean, I forgot to tell those chicks-killer to not to let take the skinss off, i shrugged. and let the time passed by. we took off with bags full of ingredients. which will be used as our cookingness.youth style.ahah.

backpain. 4 pm. i had to snug off my pure lazyness so that every inches of my work can be done. hence, i slept. ok that was lazyness.

10 pm. raya eve. it would be an oyster marinated fried chicken. luke and reese was getting their hands on the chicks.with sugar, spice and everything nice, they made a wonderful marination of
chickenation.hands up for the youth nation.lol. anyway we wrapped up and promised to wake up around. what. 6am? yea something like them. just to cook em.

so around 6.30 i woke up and pray to god. hoping for a better life. but that wasn't enough. we started to cook our eid foodies for a better today. and yes it was. they love the food. i love it. it looked ugly but hey wth they finished it all up. so the open house was a blast with everyone coming in and out. which was held after eid prayers of course but its just life when people come and go and we just really don't care about it as long as it made the event an Event.

i think life matters when people starts to apologize. it becomes better when we really mean it. i mean. we mock each other. we apologize. we mock each other again. its like an ecosystem of human stabbing themselves for fun. but i know in the end, it will be a nation of apologize-ness. i hope so.

Salam Perantau 2009 =)

Just be Okay, Okay?

2009-09-02T13:47:00.000-04:00

life's like a carousel,
eternal spin without knowing when's the end,
I gazed on the shining sky of the night,
just by looking at the moonlight,
I can feel you're stealing the limelight,
and I can let go,
because I love this very feeling,
of knowing you're gonna be okay,
its like the catch of the day,
or the sight of yesterday,
where everybody knows,
but nobody cares,
because they know you're gonna be okay.
Yet people keep grueling on things,
that doesn't even make sense,
and still i don't give a damn,
i'll just wash my heart to damp,
i'll stick by my prayers,
for your life gone to better,
as long as life keeps bitter away,
once i heard that,
my better,
is better,
than your better,
and you said that,
to the people that,
clings your head to the east,
shook your mouth where it speaks,
or shiver your hands to the lands,
but you just look even better.
with someone else or not this very night.
and you're just gonna be alright.
okay?

not too late to wish happy ramadhan i guess. happy ramadhan.

Snippets of a moment re-cap

2009-08-12T23:26:00.000-04:00

a post of non-growing-brainism. the dullness is full of crap.

a guy was on an interview for his visa application

officer: hello!
guy: heyya
officer: so you are applying due to a yearly annual event in usa?
guy: yea.i guess so
officer: so you're a sponsor student is it? mara or jpa?
guy: er mara
officer: ahh university of toronto?
guy: er yea. engineering
officer: so you have a girlfriend?
guy: (wth?) er wha..ah nope.too busy, i guess.
officer: ok here's the routine. we need to wait for confirmation from washington for your visa. might take weeks
guy: (yeaa right) oh okay..
(dammit!)
so i'll be on my way then.

we can't just please everyone can we

2009-07-21T11:58:00.000-04:00

Last week i wanted to watch a movie with some mateys and at the same time i wanted to fetch my other pals to their cribs. And last month i wanted to watch a gig of my good old friends' band and at the same time, my other pals set up a reunion at the mall. if its family business, ill skip everything i stated there and go for some family business babeyh. but then again, u cant really decide when your pals keep creeping on your inbox and sent out words like, "if u dont come ill bite ur ass off!! haha" or an emo one like ,"i tot we were old friends....lets meet up XD!". that's pure lolness.and pathetic too. well i kinda sound like i hated these guys so badly. as a matter of fact, i dont. no really. i love them. thats why i hope i can please everyone's side. as in. everyone. well that doesnt make sense.

Sometimes i feel like building a clone factory and produce like a hundred of asyraf and make the world a living hell. It is odd for me that some people have this urge-ness to spend times with everybody that they wish they could. But the truth is that they can't just do that. It is just impossible to please everyone at the same time. You can't go to a dinner date and at the same time, go to the movies with your pals. Well, unless you can split your soul in two, let the world go round and do that until it stops spinning.

I figured that priority is like a man of machines. or cyborgs. you know, the one that terminates people with priority given on certain targets. the one with the funny skull-like head and everything. well life isnt like that though. i wish it was. if it is, then life would be so rigid that people would act like they are brain-dead. following priorities all the time like nerdy kids or fancy knights. maybe its time step up into another dimension where people should think that priority is like a manufacturing factory. you know, keep producing actions and never lost with words. then people would have high goals. and big priority. then we could please everybody.maybe not at the same time.but certainly in many times.

Well, having to think twice, maybe this is not about pleasing everyone isnt it, or maybe it is.who knows.perhaps its more of a "ill be in your needs like you'll be in mine" kinda thing. or its like a tolerance-ness process of give and take. ahh i dunno.i just wanna live long and get some gruesome moments with these guys.uh!

hey

2009-05-12T22:21:00.000-04:00

heyhey i kinda created my own flickr.er do watch if u must.(ha?) anyway its http://www.flickr.com/photos/4syr4f/ and umm i'm still a noob okay?

glance ahead

2009-05-08T22:36:00.000-04:00

you know that pertinently, i choose not to let my guard down. and yet life without things to aim seems horrific in a certain perspective. as in, holidays. imagine two weeks of holiday. that's fine. how about 4 months. yeap, i said 4 months. i can bear 4 months of school because i was actually assigned to do works. professors and peeps around me keep throwing rocks at me asking me not to stop working. well, not literally. u of t never forced me to do works. they just simply ask nicely. "if you are thinkin' of gettin' good marks, then ya better do works. but that is 'if' u want. we're not forcing or anything". This statement annoys me alot. not that because the peeps are really annoying by spilling words onto us, but because of my mind that starts to build a list of tasks that i have and need to do just to get a good marks. well yea of course i worked alot. but i guess its not alot enough to 'build-up' a good marks. future yet reminds me how insecure is the freedom of my mind to choose 'things' wisely. i hate to consider the fact that my stomach is not resistive enough to immune itself when i ate alot of joy, and fun. i got carried away. alot. its like momentum you see. once you're good at studying. don't stop yet. cuz if you stop once, man its hard to get back up again.

have you ever felt empty? not that as in the emptyness of soul. duh. as in empty of which you have no goals. at least not yet. like having finished exams. man it sure fun if exams are finished. but at the end of the day, as every exams are at the back of our shoulders, we'll start glancing. and thinking. "ok what's next?". its like the dullness of your side has awaken or something. i dont know. maybe its because of getting away with your fellow mateys. or enhancing yourself towards total freedom which extends to the limit of not having to realize the fact that you do not have anything to do.

i have an idea. you know what. let's finish strong. but to do that, pick a good starter point. like doing things that benefit the issues of your lives. like a anti-timewaster or something. you know, its really hard not to waste time, especially if you are a 'belia'.that's right. i said it. 'belia' is a cool term to refer to teenagers today. haha. or maybe late teenagers. or whatever you call it. i prefer to nudge myself ahead with plans. you know, things to do. like doing a mental roadmap on great things. like a checkbox tasks. do laundry, or do eating(love this one). or something. i dont really have a specific point. we can figure it out later. but for now, let's just glance ahead. forge some fine mindmaking skill. and maybe we can look back sometimes. who knows we'll find something great to use up ahead.

p/s: i'm actually 'sick'. yeap. i think its a 'flu'. whatever. i prefer to call it 'lazy' flu. sigh. let the pressure begins!

busy

2009-04-05T00:30:00.000-04:00

yep.life has been busy. my final design spesification is due on thursday and thank god its on track. and study. uhh. i need to adjust my brain to work like a machine or something. cuz i'm like, hell wayyy behind my study schedule.okay2. goodbye loafing-around. goodbye playing-dota-nonstop-on-weekends. goodbye procrastinating moments. argh. whatever.

p/s: i bought you an ipod for your cool results on pmr sisters! hope ya like it. anddd uhh..i only bought one. since one of you are sticking in boarding school. so one of you wouldnt use it that much right. besides, i always saw you two sharing the iriver clix everytime ur listening to those korean girls thingy.hahax.oh yeah.congratz again! XD

looking over the shoulder

2009-03-03T19:26:00.000-05:00

pernah tak rasa kehilangan masa lalu? seperti. inginkan masa itu kembali di genggaman tangan.nak garapkan peluang yang ada. nak rakus dengan kejayaan yang tersedia. seolah. kebolehan tu baru ditemui. banyaklah persoalan 'alangkah' ataupun 'kalaulah' yang terdetik di fikiran minda.

pernah tak rasa nak redah semua halangan? macam. tak kisahlah lautan api atau liar rimba. gunung ganang atau lurah terdalam. buat dek je. nak tempuh segala.semangat dah berkobar dah ni. bagilah hujan paling lebat di planet ni atau kemarau paling panas di semesta ni. takkan pandang belakang dah. sebab selama ni, peluang lampau terbazir macam tu je.

pernah tak rasa nak betulkan kesilapan lalu? memang masa tak boleh diputar kembali. tapi rasa macam nak naik time machine macam dlm movie, pastu betulkan semua yang boleh di repair.tak salah kot. tapi lawan hukum tuhan la kot.

pernah tak rasa terkilan tengok orang lain berjaya? seolah dunia ni asik nak tengok diri kalah. semalam hari kau. hari ni hari kau. esok pun hari kau. hari-hari, hari kau. ntah bila hari aku ntah. bosan dah. rasa macam takdir dah tulis diri memang loser without expiry date.

pernah tak rasa diri ni tak berguna? tiap-tiap malam lepak kedai mamak. sembang kopi. pegi ronda sana lepak sini merempat nun jauh. hobi harian la kot. balik rumah lewat nyusahkan mak bapak.ntah la apsal. dah la time malam buang masa, time pagi tido selama mana. bila orang tegur dia kata, "baru ada life beb". ceh.

aku bukan nak exclude atau include sesapa pun dalam examples kat atas. hidup aku pun ada gak kena mengena dengan contoh tu. cuma. pernah tak nak ada impian dalam hidup? pernah tak nak maju ke depan se langkah? nak tak rasa manisan kejayaan? penah ke rasa? yang penting sekarang, nak ke? aku rasa kalau hidup tak nyusahkan orang pun dah cukup. tapi fikir balik, hidup sekadar 'memadai' tu tak cukup kot untuk aku. buat ape hidup taraf second hand bila tuhan dah bagi peluang untuk go to the next extent, to the next level, sedangkan diri sendiri yang taknak. orang selalu je tanya aku, "buat apa masuk tempat susah2, jauh2, sedang kan ada tempat yang senang belajar, dekat2?". lol. believe me, hidup tanpa cabaran simbol kebosanan semesta. sampai bila nak hidup dalam takuk yang sama? sampai bila nak baring dalam gelanggang kosong? daripada tengok belakang, kira hutang lama, layan sesalan lampau, lebih baik realitikan impian esok hari. aku pun manusia biasa. tak lari dari salah silap. banyak kali je mengalami proses procrastination. lol. a mistake a day keeps failure away. don't run from it. treasure it. and mungkin boleh tengok balik kot kamus hidup; apa tujuan hidup? lol. later.

how to not to be not better

2009-01-30T21:51:00.001-05:00

i have fallen into my own pool of mistakes. have you ever thought of being not good enough? not good enough for your life? not good enough for your peers? not good enough to the essence or notion of life around you? ever felt that life was cruel and fate was disobedient by the fact that you absolutely confident that you just did your best and you just did not get what you want? ever felt that you wanted to do better, although toughness keeps calling for future needs and you just can't go on? ever felt that you wanted to give up? ever felt that the life is so pathetic that you want to turn back around? well, heads up. pick your spot. spray the load. lay em off. spread the words. behave your mind. think your thoughts. the answer is simply jihad.(sounds like some tv ads plak.haha)

lets get the fact straight. with all of the posts that i have published. dear strangers, i just wanna say that, i am no religious person. i am no pious man. i am no president of the msa or whatever. i am simply a guy who spread the words that i know is right. but knowing is such different than that of the act of practising. there's a theodicy talk in my campus a while ago. its not the word of God or Evil that captured my attention. it was simply a question from an anonymous about , "is Jihad evil?". the speaker gave a very clear view on why the real jihad is, not whatsoever, evil. i was amazed, that as a matter of fact, i am a selfish, forgetful, and an ignorant person. people hear the word Jihad everyday. my fellow muslim peers know the very exact definition of Jihad. But the reality is, we, oh wait, I failed to use this very greatful tool to not to be not better, in life.

but still, confusion strucks my thought a while ago. the requirement to use this very tool is totally difficult. i mean, it starts for your ethics. from your daily practise. from the way you think or the way you act. and if that is logic and do-able, would we make that as our everyday norms? probably istiqamah is the hardest part, at least that what i think. when i say jihad, i am not talking about doing full time ibadah such as 'solat sunat', etc.; all the time. dont get me wrong. what do i mean is that; performing your everyday usual norms, in a far more, optimistically better way. when you soccer, shoot the ball as hard as you can. when you study, read more. when you jump, bounce it hard. when you walk, pace further away. there is more to life than just looking back. so, keep getting better okay? ;)

"what's wrong with falling down, you can always stand up again"

2009-01-13T05:00:00.000-05:00

why i am a failure at first attempt.

the typical me.

stumble.

fall.

down.

gave up.

crushed.

tempted.

unprioritized.

uncautious.

irrelevant.

vengeful.

ignorant.

fool.

there is a time when it comes to the state of where one does know that one possesses these 'enormous' characteristics, but failed to realize what its all about. when consequences took place, then one would felt for the need of repentance and waking up. then, one shall arise, picking up the pieces that one had been crushed upon. then one would carry the burden till the end of the road.where victory awaits. its just norms.

without further a due, let the vows begin. let the contemplation of one's mind speak. let the one speak upon itself and resist the tempted surroundings of the place, or time.

let me own the semester.

oh, why did i ever thought randomly

2009-01-02T21:04:00.000-05:00

there is a walking distance between us. featured by the tendency to feel that love. our memory is the strongest bond that had ever taken shape. but fate has chosen my memory to be forsaken of anything. the memory of your remembrance.

i feel your pain. i feel your heart, beat seconds after seconds. plush my heart to the bottom of the ground. and imagine the sanctity of our bonds. if we have the power to break it apart, then i shall forfeit. if all memories of the humanity have been wiped out, then i shall saviour ours. not because i wanted to. its just that u deserve to be in my mind.

touch my hand. ill take you to the deepest view of my mind. and we'll stroll ourselves all the way down. but have memories lost itself? does your eyes lies underneath mine? does my cruelty bonds with your purity? im just thinking sanely. but its just making me insane.will you ever happen to me again?

something that i wrote randomly. too much movies! urgh.

anyway, back to reality. school's up and welcome to the very new era of studying, staying-up-late-ing, burning eyes with words and numbers that doesn't even make sense, and of course, istiqamah. okay2 maybe it doesnt look very new. its typical.so why do typical stuff in a very typical behaviour which is typically do-able? well the thing is, its not that typical. i mean, the asyraf today is not the same as the asyraf tomorrow. well, i may look the same which is chubby(ok not that chubby), long haired, wearing glasses, bla2.but what resembles inside that makes the difference. ill be studying like any other semester but i would want to get better doing it. ill be istiqamah like any typical semester, but i would really2 want to get better on it. it seems that a term-long period is not that long. then summer shall arise and i'll be hanging off my coat again. but till then, lets just keep my head straight ok? and try to do things more, randomly. hehe..

awful vision

2008-12-08T00:20:00.000-05:00

today i had a dream. i dont know if its a game of satan or a path of god.

i was looking forth. everybody was laughing at this one person. i held a blanket. i wanted to wrap the fear on the blanket. for this person. it was so sympathetic. she turned away. i brought her inside. we looked out the window. those people who laughed at her, somehow got hypnotized or something. jumping themselves down the roof. it was horrible. it was a nightmare. it was like a vast rain of suicidal act. i was terrified and traumatized.

woke up. its 7 am. still time for subuh. syuruk's 7.30am. got up, take wudu', perform my daily duty. held my hands up forth, seeking tranquility.

tempted by the pretty ugly bed. it was cold. beaten by my lust of cautious. went to sleep. and another nightmare.

my father died. Astaghfirullah. i was crying like hell. everybody was sadden by this. my brother reached me. hug me. i went home. finding my path. i felt so lost. i felt so dimmed. performed my prayer. what is this feeling? the feeling of a fatherless poor little boy. i saw orphans crying. people trying to cheer me up. i left them out. and then i woke up.

it was 10am. Astaghfirullah, Thank God. it was a dream. He gave me a lesson again. if thats the feeling of the people that have no fathers and mothers, then i should be thankful for what i have. always. and one thing. i dont have anything to give in turn for my beloved parents, but please God, accept my prayer and do'a as i am only your weak servant.

and umm yeah, dont sleep after subuh =X

semalam

2008-11-28T00:23:00.000-05:00

i was reading a novel, human factor by kim vicente and suddenly i got fascinated by something very random. i remembered a song that i just listened to, its called semalam by mirwana. somehow, a translation from the english song, yesterday by the beatles. but the lyrics are very touchy, emotionally whimpered, and the untouchable yesterdays of our lives.
"ku singkapi tirai memori, saat duka tiba memuji..", so touchy!

flight of the misery

2008-11-26T18:31:00.000-05:00

people come and go.they see what they want to see.and certainly, they feel what they want to feel. but sometimes, things won't go your way like the way you want it to be. the trend of the so-called 'fate' is that, we tried everything that we can to make things the way we want, but it all ends up with what fate wants it to be. if i want to score 100% for calculus, then i still got a 26%, then so be it. because the point here is to push yourself further and further until what we want is the same as what the fate wants. i couldn't agree more on the fact that this is just the process of building the identity of ourselves. lemme put things straight here, the truth is that everybody want things goes as the way they intend it to be, doesn't come easy. well, what goes around does comes around, but what if all this time, we were just running in circles? the circle of that i cannot really imagine how big it is. we waited whole life for whatever we are achieving on, but it never came up. so, my thought is that, no matter how big your circle is, just stay calm, keep it up, and get patience as a virtue, because you're just getting at the end of your circle nearer everyday.

i told myself everyday since i was 13 that i was going to be a pilot. at the same time, i told myself everyday i would never, ever be a doctor. and i ended up taking engineering. how rhetoric is that? the path of life was never made to be misery, it was made to be challenging. spectacular isnt it when things that never came up into our mind, actually came up right in front of us? probably i'm not going too far but what if fate tells me that i am going to be a musician? or maybe an astrologist? or maybe just some people who sells pisang goreng around the block? well whatever happens, im not going to let my life be a misery. at least not yet. so, in the end, ill just live life to the max.cheers.

huu ganas tak? haha

a thousand words of sigh

2008-11-18T02:15:00.000-05:00

everybody knows you want to go to the Caribbean,
where treasure lies deep in the vein of the trees,
sands made of gold and fruits made of diamond,

everybody knows you want to fly through the sky,
with wings forged by your own will,
with speed that surpass the imagination of science,

everybody knows you want to swim across the seven seas,
to pluck your heart with curiosity of deep sea water,
to endeavor the path of the creatures down beneath us,

i know one thing for sure,
you choose the path of fate, and grab the dreams of tomorrow,
not because of the people around you, or because of your companions urgency,
its because your heart tells you to do it,
its because you fulfill your duty as a pathfinder,

so, dear,
turn your ego down,
flush the darkside deep down inside,
seek vengeance of your past failure,
ask God for your heart to be pure,
cuz i'm not going to be there for you always,
and you know it,
but let my thousand words rest in your back,
as i know, you will never look back. right?

p/s: good luck for your exams, and your life dear brother, aziz.

antara masa dan waktu

2008-11-13T00:06:00.000-05:00

Disini ingin aku menekankan beberape obstacle2 yang bakal diredahi sebelum winter break. dan tak lain tak bukan, perkara tersebut merupakan.......academic stuff..uhhhh.
1. lab 7 and lab 8 of computer fundamentals plus a few quizzes plus catching up with pointers, recursion and c programming stuff
2. doing tons and tons of calculus homeworks plus revisions.(i suck at math since high school, seriously)
3. understanding chapter 4 algebra, which is the most abstract-complicated-mindblowing part of the subject algebra which was suppose to be easy as peanut(macam kacang), but its not.uhh.
4. engineering design's seminar plus cds individual plus final exam's reading(oh man, i need to start on this right away)
5. catching up on mechanics statics, whether because of falling asleep in class(unintentionally) or because of doing calculus in statics class(pls refer to no.2).

Winter break kian menghampiri dan aku sangat menglooking forward terhadap 2 minggu yang gilang gemilang tersebut. walaupun duit bukanlah segala2nya tapi skang aku sangatlah tiada duit untuk berjalan2, maka itu, winter break adalah membosankan untuk tahun ini. maka, disitulah aku mungkin terpaksa meminjam duit daripada rakan2 yang kaya-raya.al maklumlah, aku tidak diberi penghargaan entrance scholarship.haih. oh ya.disebut dalam satu kisah nabi dimana manusia amat degil apabila diberi peluang untuk kembali ke jalan yang benarrr. bermaksud. akan disesali hanya apabila musibah melanda dan setelah tamat musibah, akan mereka sambung bertempiaran mengenjoykan diri dan melupakan apa-apa unsur ketuhanan dan rohaniah yang telah diserapkan dalam hati mereka sebentar mereka dalam musibah. dengan itu, aku tidak mahulah menjadi manusia sebegitu dikala aku seronok bermain dota melupakan tuhan.ohh tidak sama sekali. sebagai seorang remaja, perkara lagha amat susah untuk dicegahi(semua setuju?). contohnya, menonton bola sambil menjerit-jerit "goalx1000!"(this is due to the fact that arsenal has beaten the red devils.shame on u!), dan banyak lagi. oh inilah remaja. jadi masa dan waktu perlu diseimbangkan sepantas mungkin, sepantas dentuman kilat menyinari awanan debu, sepantas bla2. and the truth is that, i need to wake up and start to realize that time is moving further and further away as i startled down the river of the ashes. i need to catchup with time!

aku berasa ganjil.

2008-11-04T17:39:00.000-05:00

pabila merenung masa berjalan.aku kian rasa pelik.apakah misteri hati ini.sering menyelubungi titisan2 mata yang kian menjalar di pipi.sering aku melihat manusia berarak kehadapan, cuba mencari jawapan demi kehidupan yang girang. demi jawapan untuk matlamat.cuba mencuba dan cuba untuk melepasi percubaan.bagiku, percubaan teragung adalah ujian dari tuhanku yang maha satu sendiri.aku merenung bulan mengambang dikala hati sunyi berfikir,apakah aku masih berdaya saing memikul tanggungjawab hati ini.apakah aku masih punya tenaga untuk menolak batu-batu yang terdampar menghalang tasik jiwa diri ku ini.aku lemah.aku sememangnya manusia yang tiada tandingannya lemah.namun,aku keliru,ganjil, dan terfikir.apakah maksud tragedi dunia ini,dikala aku cuba mendekati kau, dikala itulah lebih banyak batu-batu api yang kau curahkan ke atas diri ini. aku sememangnya longlai.aku tahu aku sering leka dikala aku lena bermain air di taman-tamanmu. apakah yang kau ingin tunjukkan kepada ku wahai tuhan. apakah yang kau mahu aku lakukan. kesedaran ini datang daripada hati yang inginkan kasih sayangNya, namun aku bingung. aku takut.apakah aku akan sentiasa bertulusan hati sebegini.apakah aku masih mempunyai etika-etika jiwa yang mampu membawa diri ku sentiasa dekat dengan mu? ingin ku berbisik kepada diriku.jangan kau leka dari keheningan malam yang membasahi pipi-pipi fikiran.kesejukan yang tiada bandingan.aku tahu dunia ini penuh dengan hikmah. aku tahu aku sering menekan diri ini dengan hentakan yang dipamerkan oleh sang rimba dunia. kau lemparku ke laut, kau sumbatku ke tanah,kau panahi jiwaku dengan tohmahan-tohmahanmu. namun, aku akan redha, aku akan bertahan, merangkak melepasi titian durjana dunia. aku tahu, kau sentiasa akan mencatatkan persoalan tanpa jawapan. oh tuhan. aku berasa ganjil.

p/s=mengapakah jiwaku sering didiami bahasa ibunda nie.adey.

perasaan benci yang palsu?

2008-10-31T20:31:00.000-04:00

ohh dunia.ketika aku sedang terbosan2 melayari minda dengan kekusutan dunia,tiba2 tangan aku terklik pada link ym bijan yang bertulis "oh yuna", apekah ini?(berkata..kata hati ku(paham tak?)).er anyway, aku pun menekan dan kluar pula satu link,yakni lagu yang dinyanyikan oleh seorang rock chick yang sedap dan relaxing.aku pun cuba mendengar lagunya akibat tengah down ni .okay jugak melayari sanubari jiwa dengan lagu2 masyuk atopun dengan kata lain, lagu2 down.sedang mendengar lagu2 nya, hati ku bergoncah dengan gundah gulana terfikir apakah maksud lirik yang cuba dibawa oleh yuna yakni, benci yang palsu.agak influencing dan insightful serta membuatkan hati kecil ku terfikir, apakah rintihan hujanku yang membawa ku pergi jauh ke sana sini memikirkan masalah2 yang membencikan walhal tuhan yang meneraju pemikiran intelek ku agar berjogging jauh ke sana sini untuk mengadaptasikan minda?.ape aku merepek ni.anyway.aku baru saja mendapat tahu keputusan akademik yang tidak berapa boleh dibanggakan.walhal.kesedihan yang super mengakibatkan jiwaku hampir rebah di awangan palsu dunia.apakah ini.perasaan benci lalu menggunung tinggi.benci terhadap diri ini yang terlalu hampeh dengan keputusan sebegitu.oh ya tuhan.ampunkan daku kerna mewujudkan realiti pemikiran yang boleh mencacatkan rohaniku.zzz.anyway.setelah bermuhasabah diri beberapa kali, kutahu, benci bukanlah apa yang bersemadi di naluri hati yang dipimpin persoalan ini, tetapi sebenarnya cinta.terlalu cinta terhadap tuhan kerana ingin pergi lebih jauh, lebih jauh dari burung-burung yang melepasi lautan api jiwa yang membakar intuisi diri. malahan, lebih jauh lagi.aku ingin kecapi keunggulan dunia disamping memiliki lumrah akhirat. aku bukanlah benci kepada diriku kerna, itu adalah perasaan benci yang palsu. sekian.oh yea. enjoy the song :D

p/s:maaflah entry ini sangat emosi dan menggunakan ayat yang ekstrim dikala hati sedang berduka memikirkan masalah yang datang tubi demi tubi.thank you.

Seeking my true intention

2008-10-23T21:28:00.001-04:00

Last week, i attended an usrah and we discussed about a subject that just knock my head with a big hammer of doom which pops into my mind how intentions, or nawaitu has a big meaning in me.

Just speak about intentions. it sounds too general, plain, untouchable, soft, typical. but try to search deeper. what's life has anything to do with our nawaitu? The quest of knowledge starts from a single step that marks the note of intention. The strange-wilderness of this place that i am rushing through is like neverending.oh university life.boredom starts to rise from time to time.giving up is an option.and looking back was the best thing to do.but then, a reflection of my mentor knocks the door of my beneath as i startled about one thing that he told me, The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: “The reward of deeds depend upon the intentions, and every person will get the reward according to what he has intended.” - 'Umar bin Al-Khattab, Vol. 8, Book 78, Number 680. it was all a big mistake! i was there and the winning prize was there all along! its just that my heart was sealed with a big poison of lust with the speech of the devil. i never realized that my intention was torn apart between my dreams all along. this is not the path that i want. its not my intention to be here to enjoy. its not my intention to be here to sit down and sleep all the way downtown. i am here to justify the truth. i am here to be a seeker of knowledge.

To defeat your enemy, is to know your enemy. imagine the obstacles itself. tight lectures,difficult tests,time constraints,friends,families,homesick.ugh.i would puke everything out if wanted to.in any perspective that i have observed in the magnificent timeline of the next 4 years, i just wanted to see a light. a direction of God. I set my nawaitu straight. seriously. I put my past behind my back as i carve my path to seek knowledge. I want barakah from Him. I want my effort to be rewarded with something that anyone couldnt have imagined. But then, my self-inside asked me a brilliant question. You sure that you deserve it?

The darker side of my heart's breathing

2008-10-14T14:42:00.000-04:00

There were moments in my life where i tend to allow the presence of my indigenous ideas. its good or bad, both has its own presence, due to my nature as a human being to have evil thougts, whispered by the devil or the qarin, and there i was, unsubdued, unnoticed. the evidence is compelling.

Yes, i absolutely try my best to be a better man but the fact wouldnt change that we cannot run from doing evil deeds and bad sins. i pledge myself guilty. yes i am. but there i was. doing it all over again, and again, and again. i never felt bored of it. no way. its just great. its just temptation, the nature of any of us. and there comes my rescuer. the so called, 'faith'.

faith is my only way to ressurect my light of hope. its my self-absorbing, suffocating, suffering way to evade lust, to overboard temptation. it works alot. just that i need to put a little faith in my mind. no wait, alot. that's also alot. alot of faith. its not about what we believe. its about what we believe in what we believe. i believe in the power of religion. i believe in the power of effort. i believe in the power of education. to educated my mind, to struggle away from darkness that lies beneath me.

now is the only time to overcome temptation and lust. you can never say never to things that you can do today. procrastination is like parasites. it slowly stabs you on your back and you never saw it coming. train me, order me, force me, to do those things that faith has asked. nobody said that there will ever be my next tomorrow. perhaps today is my last tomorrow. so, i shall weep my sorrow and act on those things that i need. not that i want to. just that i need to. paradise of the future lies within my effort of today. so don't wait till tomorrow dear!

salam lebaran

2008-10-03T01:21:00.000-04:00

I just wanna wish happy eid mubarak and salam lebaran to all of you guys out there.and a very much maaf zahir dan batin.especially my family(kangen sama rendang mama), teachers, friends and muslims of this very earth. i would like to point out that my eid celeb is very unusual(which is very typical for all my fellows here in canada).there's no rendang for first day of raya(asik rendang je kan).and then there's class(skipped lectures,only went for a tutorial).hm what else? i really cant say much here.just that i need to get used of this situation every year duh.oh yeah.nuf said.here's some pics.let these pictures speak my own thousand words.

before heading for eid prayers
(was feelin damm guilty for skipping classes)

busuk's idea.not mine

rogers centre.after eid prayer.

im in a casual dress right after changing
my clothes for class.rushin' eh.

took the liberty to publish the photo of my seniors.
bes ah gambar nie.

Dilemma

2008-09-22T21:53:00.000-04:00

Dilemma kehidupan yang tipikal.duit.
dengan ini, aku isytiharkan,aku muflis.harharhar.
oh oh.yer.i won't be receiving any cash until february 2009.isk
p/s=lain kali jangan duduk chestnut.padan muke.

Rindu

2008-09-21T21:16:00.000-04:00

I had an illness today.
my body's temperature kept rising
and rising
and rising
i looked out the window
its still bright like a dimmed willow
i kept holding on to myself
am i infected or deteriorated
by a subconscious mind outdated
from time being im fading away
so stop the lash that hurts within
my heart which are telling me
the truth of the lies foresee

im missing mommy already
im missing friendzy already
im kicking my head already
to shoot my brain off the sky
to say from whom im not the knot
knock me up like u said inside
im willing to say that im not
ill say that i cannot
to push myself further for one more time

hey stop looking back
above the shoulder of your guts
all the dreams are shattered on the sky
its not your fault or mine
its just the time that kept it right
to be the way it is for sure
but u can change it if u want
for i know that u'll say not
so stop bringing yourself down
and start seeding your lawn
to make it grow like u want
so that u can reach the sky
up above so high

i want to go home
the way i came from
the way i marched
the route i crunched
as i said that i was the one
to do things so right
choosing the needs over the wants
and u better stop the grunts
cuz i know this is the night
that pulls the trigger of the might
and i shall see the light
that came from the brightside

i never want to come here
but i dont want to stay back
to cry for freedom of the lack
of my unconcsious self inside
that says, "hey dont u lie"

i miss my family so bad.the end

stop comparing! ..and copying!

2008-09-11T21:28:00.000-04:00

hey how come he does this better? hey how come he did it that way? hey how bla bla bla and the bla.what the hell.comparing is not a need.its certainly not a deed.its a tragedy.its a retarded way of thinking normally.in other words, its useless.u might want a little bit of comparing when it comes to making deeds and avoiding sins.but what about behaviour?thats my problem.i tend to compare the nature or the ability of others with mine.ohh, the math thingy should be done in this way.ohh, the notes should be done in capital letters.aaaa?

now now, open your mind, free your thoughts and use your brain.life is not about getting straight a's all the time or pushing towards limits or catching stars above the sky.its about putting effort for later comfort.well, most of the times, i used to tell myself that i need to get this result and that result so that i can bla2 and here comes the big part.being pissed off when your xm result or any result turned out bad.in that case, why dont you use your own way and pissed off at your own way.well thats another problem.i tend to follow the 'way' which i thought was right - which was the 'way' that i saw others was doing.well, dif people hav diff path and diff method.thats for sure.and surely, at the bottom of em all, its not about the result, its about what you did to get the result, its about the effort that you put to get that result, its about making your dream alive without even dreaming about it, its about pushing beyond limits without even knowing the limitations.

ahhh..ive always wanted say that.haha.oh yea.there's some photos which ive taken for granted.lol.whats that suppose to mean.

ahha.its an oldskool main gate of my campus.
well, the campus IS really old.

my own u of t notebook.huahua

waitin for iftar and praying for a
chicken bbq for iftar.wakaka

Changes

2008-09-06T23:03:00.000-04:00

I think i kinda want to de'formal'ized my bloggin style. after readin back some of my posts, somehow i just felt like reading an assignment essay. haha. maybe its just a thought though. oh yea, there's a party goin on downstairs. haha. happy iftar guys =)

Its a manhattan stromboli. and its halal =)

Is it true that friendship has no expiry date?

2008-09-06T01:35:00.000-04:00

Salam,
regarding to the topic above, which is a statement that was said by a good friend of mine, it keeps my brain ticking and trying to get an inside-out thoughts of it. Is it true that friendship has no expiry date unlike a fresh milk?pepperoni pizza?fried rice? Well, personally i think that many people will walk in and out of our lives; but only true friends will leave footprints in our hearts. but what i really just discovered about friendship, which is really interesting, is that friendship can grow separately..without growing apart. means that we can go on our own way, but the bonds that we had created throughout our friendship, it will never eventually break off.

The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said : A man is upon the religion of his friend, and there is no good in friendship with one who does not see for you what he sees for himself.
(Ibn Adi)

Religion also agrees with the need of friendship that has no expiry date at all. because friends are those who remind us and its like havin an awareness-detector by your side. isnt that awesome? the role of friendship doesnt just stick with hanging out and watchin movies together, its about reminding ourselves to behave better and just for the sake of being a better ummah.

I really love my friends, seriously, i really do. the one that God made me to stick with. its all just about appreciating what God has gave upon us. and for me, i dont kick friends that i hate, i keep them. because people that i hate is actually the people that always reminds me not to backstab people, not to backbite people, not to neglect our daily prayers. and therefore, never i had the feeling of hate towards those people that i just called "friends that i hate", instead, they are the people who keeps reminding me everyday just in case i forgot.

I believe that friendship lasts eternally, it never ends if u just believe the power of friendship. Even our prophet (PBUH) keeps his friends and care for them as if they were his own family member. thats why i tried to keep my friends as if they were my brothers and sisters. thats why i said that friendship has no expiry date.

credit to milan who torn my brain apart with inspiration.

Beyond good and evil

2008-09-01T21:39:00.000-04:00

Salam,
I remembered one day that a friend of mine told me that life was never fair. Its cruel. Its sucks. Well, the truth is, life does not suck. Really. its not that i never sucked at my life but its just that there are more things that you just cant see which is the 'hikmah'. and by the way, seeing is believing right? patience is just all that needed to make that thing come right in front of your eyes.

I treasured my life so much just to seek the goodness of everything thats evil and evilness in everything thats good. Because we dont judge a book by its cover. therefore, i dont judge a person by its face. I judge them by their soul. well, to be exact, their behaviour. and in encountering 'situations', i use the same methodology. They say that everything we see arent really what its look like.

For those who dont know, i missed my flight on the 29th of aug. well, i dont really 'missed' the flight but somebody made me missed the flight. but thats ok. nobodys really perfect. but the things is that, its God who made me missed the flight, thats for sure. There's something good beyond this situation which i called 'evil' before. life isnt sucks, its just that ur not good enough to make it better. life isnt cruel, its just that ur not good enough to make it pleasant.

One last ramadhan before my hijr really rocks. Well, kitchen was really full of great cuisine when its iftar, of course. and it wud probably be my last ramadhan wif family for the next 4 years to come. oh yea, friends of subang just move in to their bungalow(which they rent) and it really rocks. damn its beautiful. big like hell. i never knew students cud afford a house like that. i sleptover for a night in fitra's room.

I thought about being the unluckiest person in this world for that very incident, but then again, i just knew that i was the luckiest person ever to have such opportunities to spend time with the people that i love for one more day. thank you, God.

Getting off the couch

2008-08-28T12:10:00.000-04:00

Salam,
I've had a great, sweet, miserable, terrific, horrific, good, bad, whimsical, enchanted 3 months holiday. And not a second have i been feelin regretful or whatsoever as the time has come to an end and surely, its the end where it all begins. Undergraduate college life is up ahead where curiosity and mind games are built at this very moment. packing? not finished.eating?over finished. ramadhan? yea its coming. studyhardsuperloadextraassignmentsupersleepkill? dammit i knew i saw it coming.haha.

Changes are important and pertinent in every step of life towards dunya's success and even jannah. And for this hijr, my intention is towards the almighty God and hopefully, success alloveragain.therefore, the time to change has come. Ill call this part of life as 'the awakening'. yea u know..the part where changes are made.the part where i wanna get closer to perfection in the eyes of God, of course.the part where i wanna sacrifice my bla3. yea life is all about getting better. maybe ill go start packing and reminiscing my last few hours of my time here while thinking about a better tommorow.Later!

And the swiping continues..

2008-08-25T12:00:00.000-04:00

i swiped. he swiped. they swiped. its easy to say when things that you bought get swiped by your parents.i intended not to do this but it was my guts that caught me off guard.i have my own cash yet i delivered a false message to my soul - use your guardians. that was bad. that was something that i shall avoid. yet i still have temptation on doing it again. some people would say that these are normal situation for students like me. i aint gonna deny that cause its true. but you know what, i shall forbid myself in depending on my guardians. well, depends on how i define 'forbid'.haha.

If patience is a virtue, why does it hurts so much?

2008-08-20T12:03:00.000-04:00

Patience is moderated by feelings that we cultivate during emotion contact between people. I believe that people that fail to control their emotion are caused by their lackness to apply patience as a virtue inside their soul. Well, i'm just trying to throw out a point here whereby my patience is no longer valid. I'm struggling to fit myself into a world where boundaries are no longer exist.

Emotion is hypothetical. Patience aren't. It is not a burden for men to carry emotion and patience. but it is their duty to balance emotion and patience. I felt one thing when it comes patience in daily life; "why is it always me?". This question arises multiple times and ive had it. I want solution. I want freedom of mind. so, tell me, why does it hurts so much?

I see people raging on this very earth because of their patience that dried out. I see mobsters shooting victims of tragedy because of emotion. So does these two things get connected? Well, personally, it does. seriously, i was so naive back then, i didnt even know the importance of emotion control to gain patience.